neglect

I have been neglecting a lot lately to cultivate my ideas for this book. I did not hit my goal target this weekend, didn't even write. I was so worn down from the issues with my job last week and the creative process that I just needed to unwind. Friday night I went to see a movie, Transformers 2...Saturday I spent the first half of the day next to the pool with my friend Tina and some other people, the second half was spent unwinding at a family member's house, we cooked out and talked...Yesterday I worked for a few hours and relaxed, did a couple of loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, watched tv.

Today I'm back to it. I'm working (well not at the moment) and have my notepad next to me to jot down notes related to my book. Last week I changed every characters name...very exhilarating feeling as I was very unhappy with the lack of connection to the names and now it's all better. Still a little scared of attempting to write some of the things I know will be coming but am hopeful it's not as hard as I think it could be...grateful to have a friend who has gone through it and has given me input.

Today I've been in my job field for 5 years...typed my first report 5 years ago today. Is it wrong to hope that I won't be able to say 6 years? That next year I can say 'my first novel is being published'...I think if I can finish I can be published...

taking care of me

I've realized I have never really taken care of myself. At 11 I began to smoke and that was awful enough. I never exercised and ate whatever I wanted. My junior and senior years of high school breakfast was a Mountain Dew, Snickers bar and some Cheetos...yum. I was 135 pounds at the time. I maintained that weight for years despite sitting on my butt and eating junk. I quit smoking at 27 and gained 80+ pounds.

Today I am 222.9 pounds. I have lost 13.1 pounds and still am not taking care of myself. Why? I still feel like I shouldn't have to watch my diet or exercise and I feel like I should stomp my feet and scream. It's so not fair. 10 years ago I loved to go hiking but didn't think of it as exercise. I still have issues watching what I eat even though I know it's just going to make me feel like crap. Grow up lady.

I can keep starting over and over but it's not going to work until I mean it. I mean it today. I'm done feeling like dirt, not caring about me and not caring FOR me. I didn't manage to get up early as I'd planned this morning but I'm going to beat myself up for it. I do have a condition that causes me to constantly be fatigued so it's going to happen.

I may not have support at home but I have the support of a great online community of people and if I'm struggling I can talk to one of them just as they could me.

So guess what today is? Today is the start of a new me for good.

pressure

In the last two days I've come to realize that I put myself under an incredible amount of pressure.

Work - I am a transcriptionist and I put so much pressure on myself that when I was called to task over a few errors yesterday I broke down sobbing. After 5 years maybe I've become a bit too complacent and need to take a step back and realize I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes and this is still a new account so I'm not failing, just learning. It was just hard to take and felt like an attack. I considered quitting but I need the money and I like what I do so it would just be a copout.

Weight loss - I'm not failing with it I just haven't had the time to dedicate like I want to. Perhaps if I didn't hit snooze for 2 HOURS each morning I'd have time to exercise early in the morning and I really need to work on that. My goal tomorrow is to get up by 8 and exercise before I start work at 9...that's the downside of working at home with no set schedule.

Writing - I think all along I've really been trying to put the cart before the horse. I have printed information about two agents I think would best represent the work I think I'll have in the end and I'm not even 1/2 done with it. I need to concentrate on the writing and the rest I can worry about later. I've got a pretty clear idea where I want to go on it from here but things change. I'll be working on it tonight and this part is pretty important to the story I think.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great Thursday.

Mojo

I have gotten my mojo back with my writing and I've come up with a plan. I have set a page limit that I MUST meet each day in order to make myself happy. It's lovely to put myself back into the world of these people and tell that story.

A woman on twitter posted a comment that I printed up and taped to my monitor. It says "Editing can be tough but I love it because I know it's going to make my writing sing." I felt very inspired by that. Another author shared with me where she got her editing style and I'm going to wait until I reach the end of my writing to start the editing process and I'm a long way from finished. I'd love to finish it this summer and bedone by my birthday so that gives me about 3 months and 10 days to finish. I think I can manage that. I'd like to be done sooner but we'll see. I would like to not put pressure on myself as this is not YET my full-time job but that is my dream. I want to make a living as a published author.

This blog is short as I'm rather tired today and still need to run an errand and get more writing done but that'll have to wait until after True Blood.

the scoop

So last week I was advised by a friend to change my weight/measurement checks to Friday because weekends can be a time of indulgence and throw off your weight. I chose to do that but didn't see a difference today. I went 11 days without weighing and/or measuring. I maintained my weight and lost 1.75 inches. I did update my monthly measurement chart and lost 5.5 inches since May 18 bringing my total of inches lost to 22.75 since January 26. I'm down 12.5 pounds overall as well.

My niece is leaving in the morning so I think I'll be able to start getting back into the swing of it tomorrow and get back to exercising. I didn't get off track with my eating though which is good.

auditioning and losing

So tomorrow will be the first time I weigh and measure on a Friday and I am slightly nervous about this big lapse in time between measurements. I feel like it's not going to be that great because I haven't been able to exercise like I want. I will be heading to the gym tonight though and I've done quite a bit of walking lately but no official exercise. My niece is still here and she's going to be going to a swimming event tonight so I can hit the gym. I'm excited to get to try a new modified version of C25k there. I may hit the pool as well. I'm formulating a workout plan in my head. I'll hit the weight room for 20 minutes, do the c25k and then hit the pool.

I've recently auditioned to be the newest vlogger for a collab channel called the Fatastic 5. The 4 vloggers left are great people and if chosen I'd be taking over for the woman who inspired me to vlog in the first place. I am hopeful I'll be chosen but will be okay if I'm not. I think I could offer a new perspective to the channel. I'll know on Sunday I suppose. Here is my video that I made for the audition:


I hope everyone has a great Thursday.

dreary day

So I really need to exercise today. I'm debating what to do. Do I want to do the Walk yourself fit, Walk away the pounds and/or wii fit? I'm thinking I'll do the WATP and the wii fit yoga.

My 10 year old niece is staying with me and last night I set her up with the Wii, we made a Mii for her and put her on the Wii Fit. She weighed in at 100.5 pounds and started making excuses about how she likes to eat and that's why she's so fat. I tried to explain to her that at 10 she's growing and will gain weight. She's getting curves which is scary at 10. I couldn't make her understand any of it but it made me sad. Here is a 10 year old girl thinking she's horribly overweight when she's normal weight...what does she think of real overweight people? Who taught her this crap? Does this come from the media and television where every single girl is a twig? It just made me sad when I'm struggling to lose weight and she's crying because she weighs 5 pounds more than 4 months ago.

back on track

Okay so I'm still getting my groove back. I took the break and came back feeling pretty out of sorts about the whole internet thing. I did great with work the last two days and went over my quota which is good but I still can't motivate to write.

Why is it the one thing I think should probably be most important to me isn't? I feel like I need a laptop so I don't have to write in the exact same spot EVERY single day. However, in the last year I got behind on things and am only now coming out of a hole I was in and there are things that need taken care of first such as my car needs fixed. A laptop may have to wait until next year which depresses me. I have a friend who told me I could have a spare one he had that would just be for me to write on and that would be about it...unfortunately I haven't heard from said friend in ages and I really would like to buy a nice laptop with a built in webcam. Blah...okay enough with the feeling sorry. I really need to work on my writing...Help motivate me PLEASE!

burn out

So Memorial Day I was off work and had a nice relaxing day...Tuesday I logged into work and that's where it all came crashing down. I was given a new account at work which consists of a surgery center with 4 different practices in it. I have to type surgical reports for 19 different doctors. They don't dictate every day but it's a large practice. The woman who had been on the account had some issues and no longer would be working the account...and hadn't in over a week. So I got this account that was DAYS behind. Suddenly I'm working my butt off and not catching up because more files are coming in every day. I worked 11 days straight and was tired and burnt out and needed a break. So Friday I decided to take a twitter break for the weekend and only cheated once to message someone who had mailed me a package just to let her know I'd gotten it. Another woman covered the account this weekend and helped to get it cleared out so that this morning I start from scratch. I had 2 days off and barely even touched my computer.

Saturday I read a book and my mother stopped by to visit the community yard sale...the only thing I wanted but didn't get was an exercise bike my neighbor was selling. That evening I went to a graduation party for one of the Explorers at the fire department and then off to a Cincinnati Reds/Chicago Cubs baseball game. It was a gorgeous night and a fun game...extra innings and a Cincinnati win. Yesterday I cleaned and planted my herbs and peppers and my mother came over with my niece and I will be keeping her until Wednesday at some point. I read another book last night...I'm a very big reader and tend to read at least 5 books per week...just novels that I randomly pick. There are times I'll go to the library with no clear author in mind so I'll walk the aisles and pick randomly like 'I'll go down the 4th row and pick the 3rd pink book I see.' I've found some great books that way actually.

Anyway, I'm back to work today and hope it runs smoothly because I still feel tired so I just want to finish my day and go on with it all :)

Fibromyalgia

I suffer from a condition called fibromyalgia.

Taken from wikipedia this is part of an article about fibromyalgia:
Fibromyalgia meaning muscle and connective tissue pain is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch. Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness. In addition, persons affected by the disorder frequently experience a range of other symptoms that involve multiple body systems, including difficulty with swallowing, functional bowel and bladder abnormalities, difficulty breathing, diffuse sensations of numbness and tingling, abnormal motor activity and cognitive dysfunction. An increased prevalence of affective and anxiety-related symptoms is also well known. While the criteria for such an entity have not yet been thoroughly developed, the recognition that fibromyalgia involves more than just pain has led to the frequent use of the term "fibromyalgia syndrome." Not all affected persons experience all the symptoms associated with the greater syndrome. I do not have all of these issues. I do have the pain and touch issues as well as sleep problems and cognitive impairment as I frequently forget things. Most people call this 'fibro fog.'

I was diagnosed in April 2007 and in that time I've functioned with it. My doctor felt I was too young to be put on pain medicaiton and instead put me on an antidepressant, which I did not need, to help me sleep. That medication was of no use to me and I was later put on another medication which I couldn't even take as it left me so tired for days on end. I am now on a muscle relaxer that does nothing either but as I'm losing weight my flares become manageable. I have read there is a link between vitamin D deficiency and fibromyalgia and I am now taking a supplement so maybe it will help stop my flares.

None of that will help me now as I believe I am in the midst of one. Lately I've been having a lot of pain between my shoulder blades but last night it woke me several times and I finally had to move to the couch so I could lay flat. I cannot turn my head very well to the right. I can only turn it about an inch before the muscle becomes tight and painful. The worst part is that this all will set me back as I cannot exercise safely when in this type of condition as my pain starts to radiate to other parts by the end of the day. Even driving becomes an issue with my neck in such a condition.

Goals

Inspired by @teetee_71 from twitter I decided to make a list of my goals for the month of June.

1. I am currently weighing in at 223.5 and so my goal by the end of June is to be at 215 which is 8.5 pounds by July 1.

2. I would like to measure cut back my carb consumption and keep it less than 120 carbs per day which is a goal I will have to continually work on but by the end of the month would like this to be at least 10 consecutive days.

3. I would like to make sure I have at least 5 servings of fruit and veggies daily, which isn't typically a problem for me but sometimes is. I would prefer most servings are fresh.

4. Since I work at home one of my biggest problems is snacking so I would like to make sure I keep healthier snacks on hand and will premeasure them so I can just easily grab them.

5. I want to make sure that each day I spend at least 30 minutes in an unwind mode, listening to calming music, reading a book, soaking in the tub...just 30 minutes doing something for me in silence with no phone/cell phone and/or distraction.

Thank you again @teetee_71 for the idea.

weigh in

Today was my weekly weigh in and despite it being TOM (TMI I know) I still lost 1.4 pounds and an additional 2 inches. I am at the library ATM and unable to access my spreadsheets so I can't give you an accurate detail of where those inches came from. I have decided on the advice of my friend Matt that after today I will be moving my weigh checks and measurments to Fridays and therefore will not be weighing in for the next 11 days. I am hopeful that the interval will help me to have a pretty significant number. I have started c25k now and think that will make a big difference for me.

I type really fast so feel really awkard here in the silent library with my 100+ wpm typing on a very clicky keyboard. I feel like turning to the hunt and peck typer next to me and apologizing. Silly me...I thought i would like the silence in the library and needed a break from my life for a moment so thought I'd come here and spend some time.

My personal life is turning to utter rubbish and I'm not feeling very supported at home...case in point that I asked E to come out with me this evening as we had the evening free and he shot me down in favor of the corner bar with his friend from work despite the fact he doesn't even have any money to drink on...makes a girl feel good.