Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality. - Ralph Marston

Ooops

2010-01-04T22:02:00.001-05:00

The link to my new blog did not copy into the post so here it is now
http://thedietingwriter.wordpress.com

new location

2010-01-04T10:28:00.003-05:00

I have decided to start fresh this year and have created a new blog with wordpress which can be found here I look forward to seeing you there :)

http://thedietingwriter.wordpress.com

new starts and goals

2010-01-02T01:41:00.004-05:00

And so it begins. January 1st to September 24 (my birthday) is exactly 38 weeks. In that time frame I'd like to hit my goal weight of 150 pounds, losing a total of 88.5 pounds. I am currently 238.5 pounds. The picture above was taken 01/01/2010.

Exercise wise I plan to start by going to the gym and doing their PACE room which is like Curves. I will do the three circuits like Curves and then I will do a few of the machines in the weight room. I'll do this at least three times a week.

My hope is to be out of the 200s by Mother's day which is in about 18 weeks. I will weigh in every Friday and take my measurements on the 1st of every month.

I am done with all of this being overweight business and this is the end of it all.

Short story

2009-12-18T11:08:00.002-05:00

I entered a short story contest hosted by the author Michelle Rowen. I did not place in the top 5 but that is okay. This was the first time I ever submitted any of my writing for anything.

A little background on the story is that this takes place in the 1950s and is intended to serve as a prologue for a MS that is still in the plotting stages. When this contest cropped up it seemed like the perfect time to write this part out. I am bad with titles so I played with a Christmas Song as the contest did.

Have Yourself a Faerie Little Christmas

Deep in an Irish forest snow fell on the roof of Finn's treetop home. He was lost in thoughts of the human girl he'd met while on his rompu saol, the journey all faerie youth take to make sure they are walking the path they were meant for. Finn had returned three weeks prior and every day that he was home he missed her more. He'd met her his first night in Dublin. He had been so entranced by the lights and sounds that he didn't notice the beautiful girl step from the shop and into his path until he'd knocked her flat.

“Ouch!” said the beauty. “Watch where you're walking!”

“My apologies, my lady,” Finn apologized. “Are you hurt?”

He held his hand out to assist her and she looked up at him, taking his hand. She quickly lost her tongue for he was gorgeous. After she was on her feet she realized that he stood at least two heads taller than her 5 foot 6 inch frame and he looked a lot like the American movie star Paul Newman but darker, a stark contrast to her fair skin and red hair.

He held tightly to her hand and raised it to his lips in apology.

“I am not hurt.”

“May I have your name?” He inquired.

“I'm Maggie Byrne and who might you be?”

He stopped short, remembering he couldn't give his true name or he'd lose his magic forever. “My name is Simon Fay. I’m new to Dublin. Could I possibly trouble you to show me around?”

Every spare moment of the next six weeks were spent together. During the day Maggie worked in a bakery to earn money for Christmas and Finn spent his days learning of the human world. He found it to be far more magical than anything he'd ever seen at home. In the evenings they had long talks, sharing their hopes, dreams and future plans.

It was little wonder that within their first few weeks together Finn and Maggie had fallen deeply in love. Finn was no longer sure that returning home was what he wanted to do and often considered giving Maggie his true name, thereby taking his magic.

On the last night of his rompu saol he and Maggie enjoyed a quiet dinner alone and then he walked her home, through the cold, holding hands, talking and kissing. She knew that he would be leaving the next day. He told her that he needed to go home to see his parents and make decisions about what he wanted to do now.

“I love you Simon and hope that you return to me soon.”

The next day he wanted to say goodbye but couldn't bring himself to do more than watch her through the window. He still wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. He knew it was expected that he would one day take his father’s place as leader of the fae people but Finn didn’t know if he could give up the love he felt for Maggie. He felt pain at leaving her and reluctantly he stepped into the forest and was enveloped by the magic that brought him home to his village. He was greeted by a warm parental embrace.

The weeks went by with Finn torn between duty to his family and dreams of life with Maggie. He spent most of his time alone, contemplating his choices. His mother, Raisa, knew she could lose him but she would accept his choices. Most fae return from their rompu saol and step into an adult role in the faerie community, some never return and others take time to decide their path. She sensed much was wrong with her young son but knew that she could not interfere as custom dictated each child choose their own path.

Meanwhile in the human world Maggie was missing 'Simon' fiercely. In her world only one week had passed but she kept looking out for him, hoping he'd turn up when she least expected him. He hadn't given any inkling as to when or even if he might return but she had hopes that he would return before Christmas, in three days.

In the fae world another week passed and Finn finally knew what he was to do. He couldn't bear to live another day without Maggie in his life. Leaving his family would be hard but he’d worked out a plan to live nearby to protect them and be with Maggie.

His parents spoke at length of their desire for him to be happy and he assured them that he had found that with Maggie. His mother and father embraced him and clung to one another as they said their goodbyes. With one last look back at his family and friends Finn stepped out of the forest to become Simon once more. He was back in Dublin and it was Christmas Eve. He had his bags packed with human clothing and money in his pockets. In his satchel was a gift for his beloved. He set off for the bakery.

The door chimes let Maggie know someone had entered the store. She felt that flutter in her stomach as she turned around to see 'Simon' standing there and suddenly she ran into his arms. She covered his face in kisses while covering her own in tears of joy to see her love returned.

In his hand he held a simple white box which he handed to Maggie. Inside she found a small piece of paper that read ‘I have nothing to give you for Christmas but myself. If you accept I will stay with you for the rest of our lives. All you have to say is my true name.’ She read this and flipped the paper over, finding his true name. She stepped toward him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“I love you Maggie Byrne.”

“And I love you....Finn”

Today

2009-12-11T10:26:00.002-05:00

Today is a busy day. I overslept and my alarm never went off. I now have to work until 3 while getting my house clean. I am also awaiting a delivery of heating oil so my house can stay toasty. I then have to get a shower and get ready to go to my grandfather's layout/viewing and go to that which I'm not looking forward to. It's going to be a very rough place to be.

Major update

2009-12-09T13:33:00.002-05:00

It's been almost 2 months since I've posted any sort of update. A couple of weeks after I posted previously things in my world got a little topsy turvy with the notification that my grandfather, who I love so much and who had a hand in raising me, would be going into hospice care. He went in on October 29th and passed away yesterday. Yes I am upset and hurting over it but his mind is clear now and he's no longer in pain. I will miss him the rest of my life but I'm luck to have had him as long as I did.

While he was ill I mostly put writing aside. It's hard to motivate to write a love story when a part of you is miserable. I did write a short story related to a potential future book. The story was submitted to a holiday short story contest, the results of which will not be available until the 20th. If I place in the top three my story will be posted on the author's website. I'm excited and nervous as I've never shared my writing with anyone outside of my circle of friends and family so it's a bit scary to share in an arena where I will be judged. The contest is open to published and unpublished authors so that makes it even scarier.

Another thing going on is that I have fallen off track with my weight loss again. I had sort of gotten on track again but the fibromyalgia sidelined me again as well as a problem with my heel that has left me unable to wear running shoes for a couple of weeks. The doctor said if it's not better by January that she will X-ray it to be sure I don't have heel spurs. I'll be starting a new fibromyalgia medication tonight...hopefully we'll get it under control and I can start losing weight.

Things have been wild that's for certain. They will calm down but I will still mourn the loss of my Papaw. I just know he's okay now and I can stop worrying for him.

very belated update

2009-10-12T12:48:00.003-04:00

So things have been going well I suppose. I haven't really been writing but I've been plotting out a wonderful story to possibly work on for NaNoWriMo. I am considering holding off and working on my existing WIP. I've gotten a laptop and now have a lot more freedom to work than I previously had.

I had a slightly upsetting experience yesterday. I had sent a chunk of my WIP to a fellow writer and asked her to give me input only on content and not on editing as this was my rough 1st draft. All I wanted was input on whether the bones were good. I've sent it to friends and family who all rave that it's wonderful but they love me and I honestly worry I would not get poor feedback even if it were justified. I did not get what I asked for. Instead she edited it...poorly. The edits would make it completely unreadable as she is very comma happy and keeps telling me to make it less passive. I didn't ask for edits. I know how to edit and I know proper use of commas. I write professional documents for a living and have to edit them. I think my job makes me qualified to determine proper placement in a book. I'm sure I'll make mistakes but seriously...her edits would make any agent laugh me away. I don't know if she did this in an effort to sabotage my writing or if she honestly thinks that is the way it is supposed to be. I don't know her apart from twitter but I'm hurt by it. I asked for something simple and got a complicated mess.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't post this in case she reads it but I really need to get my feelings out there before I become angry instead of hurt.

heh

2009-09-11T11:14:00.001-04:00

Guess I failed that mission

September 3

2009-09-03T23:44:00.000-04:00

Just ain't feeling it today

September 2

2009-09-02T14:18:00.002-04:00

Today is the 2 year anniversary of the passing of my grandmother which is a sad day for me. I still miss her.

Add to that a sinus issue AGAIN and you'll have one crappy day.

THE END

September 1

2009-09-01T10:55:00.002-04:00

Well I haven't been very good at keeping up lately, the blog, weight loss, exercise and/or writing. I think that the weight loss and feeling good about myself helps go a long way toward the rest of it flowing easily. I've never been to great at prioritizing when it comes to putting me first. That's going to have to change. I am going through a transition with work where I'll be taking on much more responsibility but with better benefits than I have had so it should even out. The transition is going to be ongoing so I may touch on it again this month while blogging every day.

So I had been down about 13 pounds in mid June but gained back after my friend visited, not her fault by mine. I am now only down by 5.2 pounds but I'm going to get back on track. I'll be going back probably Monday, whenever they reopen this program they have, and starting the c25k again.

I am hoping that by getting that part of my life on track my writing follows along. I am waiting for some input from a friend of mine on my Scottish WIP and I'm jotting down notes for NaNoWriMo so I think I'm on my way to getting things back on track.

I'll be blogging every day this month just to try to recapture my mojo.

wow

2009-08-30T13:20:00.001-04:00

Well it has been a very very long time since I blogged. So I think it's time to issue myself a blog challenge. I will blog every day in the month of September even if I have very little to say.

I haven't been writing much but am attempting to get back to it. I have a book to read that says it will help me write my novel in 3 months...let's see how that works out. I am also jotting down ideas for NaNoWriMo but will not begin that until November 1.

So I will be back to blog on Tuesday...until then I've missed writing.

time flies...

2009-07-18T13:26:00.002-04:00

Well my best friend and her daughter came last weekend and we were so busy and I didn't make the greatest food choices. I gained nearly 3 pounds on top of my previous gains. I am now back to where I was in March. I will not beat myself up and I do not think I failed. I have just hit a snag and I will fix it. I am starting over tomorrow. Weigh ins will now be on Sunday's beginning tomorrow and I will be working with a friend to track my food. My car is also fixed and so I'll be going back to the gym on a more regular basis. I'm very excited about my 'reboot' tomorrow and will probably blog about it mid week or so.

I'm going to go off on a bit of a rant here and if you don't like it so be it.

One of the issues I have with the online weight loss community is that it becomes a popularity contest. I'm not trying to be popular because the more 'friends' you make the harder it is to create a meaningful thing. What I want to find via this crazy WLC is people to actually care about me and me care about them. If you make 1500 friends from it you're not going to be bonding in a meaningful way. It just bothers me...'follow me, follow me...prize to my *** follower.' Seriously people it's about weight loss numbers not follower numbers.

Another thing that really really pisses me off is that a lot of the people who are 'popular' in the WLC are not worth it. Seriously...I want to look up to someone who is eating healthy and exercising and not sitting in a bar smoking and drinking. If I wanted that I'd go down the street and tell my weight loss troubles to the town drunk. Unless you and I are talking away from the WLC please there is a short list of things I do not want to know.

1. Sex life - whether or not you have one is not my business if we're only on a screen name basis.

2. Bathroom habits - I don't care how close we become I don't need to know how often you go and what consistancy it is.

This is the short list but it is constantly being added to.

I want the people I look up to to eat healthy, exercise regularly and even fail sometimes. In other words, I want you to be real and not just popular because you pimped yourself to the internets in an effort to be the most watched person there is.

busy

2009-07-11T10:50:00.001-04:00

I know I haven't been blogging a lot lately but I've been saving my time to work on the book. I hit 10k words, shared with a couple of beta readers who gave great feedback...I'm excited.

I won't be around much in the next few days. My friend and her daughter are coming in this afternoon and will be here until Thursday. I work Wednesday but am off for the next 4 day...glorious. We have a slightly busy yet lazy schedule that includes movie watching at my house, going to the movies, hitting the gym, going to my mothers and maybe some book reading.

busy

2009-07-07T10:55:00.002-04:00

I have been so incredibly busy lately and I'm not even quite sure what I was doing. I do know that I've written a lot. I have made 13 pages of progress to my 70 pages planned for July. I have changed that goal to hitting 100 pages instead which is an additional 59 from where I am so the total pages will be 72 in July instead.

I haven't made it back to the gym to do c25k since Thursday but I think I will be going today and again on Thursday and I'll try to go on Saturday morning before I go pick Taryn and Emily up at the bus station.

This week I have to get things ready for their visit. I haven't seen them in almost 2 years. We have a nice relaxing time planned although I do have to work a little bit on their last full day here.

I think we'll be going to the gym and taking a water aerobics class while she's here but I do plan to continue my c25k as well. I'm looking forward to my next run.

July 2009

2009-07-02T02:35:00.003-04:00

So I think it's time to set some goals for this month. I have made a list and then I will explain the reasoning behind each.

1. To reach 215 pounds (last June weigh in was 224.7).
2. To cut out my flavor packet consumption down to 1 per day.
3. Finally try water aerobics.
4. Create a bucket list.
5. Write at least 70 pages on my novel in the month of July.

Explanations:
Goal #1
In January I was 236, going back to September the same. I've been struggling to lose weight, mostly due to lack of exercise. I'm tired of this. I have lost 11.3 pounds, although my last weigh in was at TOM so there was water weight, in the last 7 months. I want to finally be able to say I've lost MORE than 20 pounds. I will be hitting the gym more regularly and I have 2 new walk away the pounds videos and another to help me work out at home. I have found the right location to do my Couch to 5k running and I'm ready to go.

Goal #2
When I gave up pop I switched to water but I like flavor and so I started getting these generic Crystal Light drinks. They are no sugar and no caffeine and only 5 calories for a 16 oz drink but I'd like to just drink plain water at least 90% of the time.

Goal #3
I've belonged to a gym for 18 months now and since day 1 have said I wanted to take a class but never have. When my bestest friend comes to town we're going to take a class while she is here. I am looking forward to this.

Goal #4
There are so many things I want to do in my life and I want to make a list of those things and get started on finishing them. Wales here I come...anyone want a temporary roommate in Wales :)

Goal #5
The number one item that will go on my bucket list will be to finish my FIRST novel (there will be many with any luck) and so completing 70 pages will go a fair distance toward completing that goal.

So anyway, those are my goals and I'm looking forward to checking in at the end of the month with an update on my progress...and feel free to ask me about my progress throughout the month.

neglect

2009-06-29T12:49:00.003-04:00

I have been neglecting a lot lately to cultivate my ideas for this book. I did not hit my goal target this weekend, didn't even write. I was so worn down from the issues with my job last week and the creative process that I just needed to unwind. Friday night I went to see a movie, Transformers 2...Saturday I spent the first half of the day next to the pool with my friend Tina and some other people, the second half was spent unwinding at a family member's house, we cooked out and talked...Yesterday I worked for a few hours and relaxed, did a couple of loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, watched tv.

Today I'm back to it. I'm working (well not at the moment) and have my notepad next to me to jot down notes related to my book. Last week I changed every characters name...very exhilarating feeling as I was very unhappy with the lack of connection to the names and now it's all better. Still a little scared of attempting to write some of the things I know will be coming but am hopeful it's not as hard as I think it could be...grateful to have a friend who has gone through it and has given me input.

Today I've been in my job field for 5 years...typed my first report 5 years ago today. Is it wrong to hope that I won't be able to say 6 years? That next year I can say 'my first novel is being published'...I think if I can finish I can be published...

taking care of me

2009-06-19T14:14:00.002-04:00

I've realized I have never really taken care of myself. At 11 I began to smoke and that was awful enough. I never exercised and ate whatever I wanted. My junior and senior years of high school breakfast was a Mountain Dew, Snickers bar and some Cheetos...yum. I was 135 pounds at the time. I maintained that weight for years despite sitting on my butt and eating junk. I quit smoking at 27 and gained 80+ pounds.

Today I am 222.9 pounds. I have lost 13.1 pounds and still am not taking care of myself. Why? I still feel like I shouldn't have to watch my diet or exercise and I feel like I should stomp my feet and scream. It's so not fair. 10 years ago I loved to go hiking but didn't think of it as exercise. I still have issues watching what I eat even though I know it's just going to make me feel like crap. Grow up lady.

I can keep starting over and over but it's not going to work until I mean it. I mean it today. I'm done feeling like dirt, not caring about me and not caring FOR me. I didn't manage to get up early as I'd planned this morning but I'm going to beat myself up for it. I do have a condition that causes me to constantly be fatigued so it's going to happen.

I may not have support at home but I have the support of a great online community of people and if I'm struggling I can talk to one of them just as they could me.

So guess what today is? Today is the start of a new me for good.

pressure

2009-06-18T12:16:00.002-04:00

In the last two days I've come to realize that I put myself under an incredible amount of pressure.

Work - I am a transcriptionist and I put so much pressure on myself that when I was called to task over a few errors yesterday I broke down sobbing. After 5 years maybe I've become a bit too complacent and need to take a step back and realize I'm not perfect and I do make mistakes and this is still a new account so I'm not failing, just learning. It was just hard to take and felt like an attack. I considered quitting but I need the money and I like what I do so it would just be a copout.

Weight loss - I'm not failing with it I just haven't had the time to dedicate like I want to. Perhaps if I didn't hit snooze for 2 HOURS each morning I'd have time to exercise early in the morning and I really need to work on that. My goal tomorrow is to get up by 8 and exercise before I start work at 9...that's the downside of working at home with no set schedule.

Writing - I think all along I've really been trying to put the cart before the horse. I have printed information about two agents I think would best represent the work I think I'll have in the end and I'm not even 1/2 done with it. I need to concentrate on the writing and the rest I can worry about later. I've got a pretty clear idea where I want to go on it from here but things change. I'll be working on it tonight and this part is pretty important to the story I think.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great Thursday.

Mojo

2009-06-14T18:24:00.002-04:00

I have gotten my mojo back with my writing and I've come up with a plan. I have set a page limit that I MUST meet each day in order to make myself happy. It's lovely to put myself back into the world of these people and tell that story.

A woman on twitter posted a comment that I printed up and taped to my monitor. It says "Editing can be tough but I love it because I know it's going to make my writing sing." I felt very inspired by that. Another author shared with me where she got her editing style and I'm going to wait until I reach the end of my writing to start the editing process and I'm a long way from finished. I'd love to finish it this summer and bedone by my birthday so that gives me about 3 months and 10 days to finish. I think I can manage that. I'd like to be done sooner but we'll see. I would like to not put pressure on myself as this is not YET my full-time job but that is my dream. I want to make a living as a published author.

This blog is short as I'm rather tired today and still need to run an errand and get more writing done but that'll have to wait until after True Blood.

the scoop

2009-06-12T09:53:00.002-04:00

So last week I was advised by a friend to change my weight/measurement checks to Friday because weekends can be a time of indulgence and throw off your weight. I chose to do that but didn't see a difference today. I went 11 days without weighing and/or measuring. I maintained my weight and lost 1.75 inches. I did update my monthly measurement chart and lost 5.5 inches since May 18 bringing my total of inches lost to 22.75 since January 26. I'm down 12.5 pounds overall as well.

My niece is leaving in the morning so I think I'll be able to start getting back into the swing of it tomorrow and get back to exercising. I didn't get off track with my eating though which is good.

auditioning and losing

2009-06-11T13:06:00.002-04:00

So tomorrow will be the first time I weigh and measure on a Friday and I am slightly nervous about this big lapse in time between measurements. I feel like it's not going to be that great because I haven't been able to exercise like I want. I will be heading to the gym tonight though and I've done quite a bit of walking lately but no official exercise. My niece is still here and she's going to be going to a swimming event tonight so I can hit the gym. I'm excited to get to try a new modified version of C25k there. I may hit the pool as well. I'm formulating a workout plan in my head. I'll hit the weight room for 20 minutes, do the c25k and then hit the pool.

I've recently auditioned to be the newest vlogger for a collab channel called the Fatastic 5. The 4 vloggers left are great people and if chosen I'd be taking over for the woman who inspired me to vlog in the first place. I am hopeful I'll be chosen but will be okay if I'm not. I think I could offer a new perspective to the channel. I'll know on Sunday I suppose. Here is my video that I made for the audition:

I hope everyone has a great Thursday.

dreary day

2009-06-10T10:07:00.002-04:00

So I really need to exercise today. I'm debating what to do. Do I want to do the Walk yourself fit, Walk away the pounds and/or wii fit? I'm thinking I'll do the WATP and the wii fit yoga.

My 10 year old niece is staying with me and last night I set her up with the Wii, we made a Mii for her and put her on the Wii Fit. She weighed in at 100.5 pounds and started making excuses about how she likes to eat and that's why she's so fat. I tried to explain to her that at 10 she's growing and will gain weight. She's getting curves which is scary at 10. I couldn't make her understand any of it but it made me sad. Here is a 10 year old girl thinking she's horribly overweight when she's normal weight...what does she think of real overweight people? Who taught her this crap? Does this come from the media and television where every single girl is a twig? It just made me sad when I'm struggling to lose weight and she's crying because she weighs 5 pounds more than 4 months ago.

back on track

2009-06-10T00:20:00.003-04:00

Okay so I'm still getting my groove back. I took the break and came back feeling pretty out of sorts about the whole internet thing. I did great with work the last two days and went over my quota which is good but I still can't motivate to write.

Why is it the one thing I think should probably be most important to me isn't? I feel like I need a laptop so I don't have to write in the exact same spot EVERY single day. However, in the last year I got behind on things and am only now coming out of a hole I was in and there are things that need taken care of first such as my car needs fixed. A laptop may have to wait until next year which depresses me. I have a friend who told me I could have a spare one he had that would just be for me to write on and that would be about it...unfortunately I haven't heard from said friend in ages and I really would like to buy a nice laptop with a built in webcam. Blah...okay enough with the feeling sorry. I really need to work on my writing...Help motivate me PLEASE!

burn out

2009-06-08T09:55:00.002-04:00

So Memorial Day I was off work and had a nice relaxing day...Tuesday I logged into work and that's where it all came crashing down. I was given a new account at work which consists of a surgery center with 4 different practices in it. I have to type surgical reports for 19 different doctors. They don't dictate every day but it's a large practice. The woman who had been on the account had some issues and no longer would be working the account...and hadn't in over a week. So I got this account that was DAYS behind. Suddenly I'm working my butt off and not catching up because more files are coming in every day. I worked 11 days straight and was tired and burnt out and needed a break. So Friday I decided to take a twitter break for the weekend and only cheated once to message someone who had mailed me a package just to let her know I'd gotten it. Another woman covered the account this weekend and helped to get it cleared out so that this morning I start from scratch. I had 2 days off and barely even touched my computer.

Saturday I read a book and my mother stopped by to visit the community yard sale...the only thing I wanted but didn't get was an exercise bike my neighbor was selling. That evening I went to a graduation party for one of the Explorers at the fire department and then off to a Cincinnati Reds/Chicago Cubs baseball game. It was a gorgeous night and a fun game...extra innings and a Cincinnati win. Yesterday I cleaned and planted my herbs and peppers and my mother came over with my niece and I will be keeping her until Wednesday at some point. I read another book last night...I'm a very big reader and tend to read at least 5 books per week...just novels that I randomly pick. There are times I'll go to the library with no clear author in mind so I'll walk the aisles and pick randomly like 'I'll go down the 4th row and pick the 3rd pink book I see.' I've found some great books that way actually.

Anyway, I'm back to work today and hope it runs smoothly because I still feel tired so I just want to finish my day and go on with it all :)

Fibromyalgia

2009-06-03T11:18:00.002-04:00

I suffer from a condition called fibromyalgia.

Taken from wikipedia this is part of an article about fibromyalgia:
Fibromyalgia meaning muscle and connective tissue pain is a disorder classified by the presence of chronic widespread pain and a heightened and painful response to gentle touch. Other core features of the disorder include debilitating fatigue, sleep disturbance, and joint stiffness. In addition, persons affected by the disorder frequently experience a range of other symptoms that involve multiple body systems, including difficulty with swallowing, functional bowel and bladder abnormalities, difficulty breathing, diffuse sensations of numbness and tingling, abnormal motor activity and cognitive dysfunction. An increased prevalence of affective and anxiety-related symptoms is also well known. While the criteria for such an entity have not yet been thoroughly developed, the recognition that fibromyalgia involves more than just pain has led to the frequent use of the term "fibromyalgia syndrome." Not all affected persons experience all the symptoms associated with the greater syndrome. I do not have all of these issues. I do have the pain and touch issues as well as sleep problems and cognitive impairment as I frequently forget things. Most people call this 'fibro fog.'

I was diagnosed in April 2007 and in that time I've functioned with it. My doctor felt I was too young to be put on pain medicaiton and instead put me on an antidepressant, which I did not need, to help me sleep. That medication was of no use to me and I was later put on another medication which I couldn't even take as it left me so tired for days on end. I am now on a muscle relaxer that does nothing either but as I'm losing weight my flares become manageable. I have read there is a link between vitamin D deficiency and fibromyalgia and I am now taking a supplement so maybe it will help stop my flares.

None of that will help me now as I believe I am in the midst of one. Lately I've been having a lot of pain between my shoulder blades but last night it woke me several times and I finally had to move to the couch so I could lay flat. I cannot turn my head very well to the right. I can only turn it about an inch before the muscle becomes tight and painful. The worst part is that this all will set me back as I cannot exercise safely when in this type of condition as my pain starts to radiate to other parts by the end of the day. Even driving becomes an issue with my neck in such a condition.

Goals

2009-06-02T11:34:00.002-04:00

Inspired by @teetee_71 from twitter I decided to make a list of my goals for the month of June.

1. I am currently weighing in at 223.5 and so my goal by the end of June is to be at 215 which is 8.5 pounds by July 1.

2. I would like to measure cut back my carb consumption and keep it less than 120 carbs per day which is a goal I will have to continually work on but by the end of the month would like this to be at least 10 consecutive days.

3. I would like to make sure I have at least 5 servings of fruit and veggies daily, which isn't typically a problem for me but sometimes is. I would prefer most servings are fresh.

4. Since I work at home one of my biggest problems is snacking so I would like to make sure I keep healthier snacks on hand and will premeasure them so I can just easily grab them.

5. I want to make sure that each day I spend at least 30 minutes in an unwind mode, listening to calming music, reading a book, soaking in the tub...just 30 minutes doing something for me in silence with no phone/cell phone and/or distraction.

Thank you again @teetee_71 for the idea.

weigh in

2009-06-01T18:50:00.002-04:00

Today was my weekly weigh in and despite it being TOM (TMI I know) I still lost 1.4 pounds and an additional 2 inches. I am at the library ATM and unable to access my spreadsheets so I can't give you an accurate detail of where those inches came from. I have decided on the advice of my friend Matt that after today I will be moving my weigh checks and measurments to Fridays and therefore will not be weighing in for the next 11 days. I am hopeful that the interval will help me to have a pretty significant number. I have started c25k now and think that will make a big difference for me.

I type really fast so feel really awkard here in the silent library with my 100+ wpm typing on a very clicky keyboard. I feel like turning to the hunt and peck typer next to me and apologizing. Silly me...I thought i would like the silence in the library and needed a break from my life for a moment so thought I'd come here and spend some time.

My personal life is turning to utter rubbish and I'm not feeling very supported at home...case in point that I asked E to come out with me this evening as we had the evening free and he shot me down in favor of the corner bar with his friend from work despite the fact he doesn't even have any money to drink on...makes a girl feel good.

go me!

2009-05-30T12:13:00.002-04:00

So last night I went to the gym and decided that no matter what I'd be doing something new. I went to the upper tier of the gym and the only free elliptical machine kept freezing after 15 seconds so I got off that and tried a bike, not the recumbant...my ass is too big for the seat. So I decided I'd get on the treadmill and give the c25k a go on it. I had the music still loaded onto my mp3 player and away I went. I made it through 5.5 or 6.5 intervals before I just couldn't go on. I collapsed on a couch panting from being so hot. Thankfully I chose the treadmill with a couch directly behind it. My legs did hurt a bit but I was mostly overheated. I have a treadmill here at home and think I may try the c25k here next time, which should be tomorrow. My treadmill is in my basement which is typically ice cold and it's under an AC vent as well. That should be helpful and even if I can't finish it here the fact that I did over half of it is a major accomplishment to me when I couldn't even do 20 seconds of running on pavement. I guess I'll just have to build to doing it outdoors.

work and lab

2009-05-29T10:51:00.002-04:00

So I've been working my butt off on a new account that I was put on for work. The woman who had it flaked after 4 years and the account was a week behind before I got it. I'm trying to catch it up at least. We're finally on Wednesday with it. So I've been working more than usual for less lines than usual as I am unfamiliar with the account.

Yesterday I called about my labs and they were normal except for my vitamin D. I've been told to take 800 units a day and get it redrawn in a couple of months. Now here are some of the things I've found about a vitamin D deficiency...I'm not linking to them as I have issues with links.

Some articles claim that lack of vitamin D is linked to fibromyalgia pain (I have fibromyalgia)...hopefully improving that will improve my fibro.

Some articles claim that having low vitamin D can CAUSE obesity/weight gain. I know why I gained weight but could low vitamin D be the cause of my inability to lose weight as other articles suggest?

I'll be going this afternoon to pick up the supplement and hopefully it will help.

Another symptom is fatigue which I have but that could also be related to my fibromyalgia as many who suffer from fibromyalgia also have chronic fatigue. I am hopeful that this supplement will help.

Doctor update

2009-05-26T13:54:00.002-04:00

Today I went back to see my primary care doctor and discuss a variety of issues but mostly the issues that were brought up at my female appointment last week. My thyroid was NOT enlarged. I first saw Dr. Vu back in February and am down 8 pounds from then, fully dressed in shoes. We discussed my health issues in the past and the concern for a thyroid condition and/or diabetes. She is really concerned about the diabetes but I was fine about 16 months ago. She is retesting today. She took blood for 2 thyroid tests, glucose, Vitamin D, B12, iron, liver and kidney function as well as the normal panel which will include my cholesterol, which 16 months ago was very low. I will find out my blood test results by the end of the week and we'll go from there. She may order a thyroid ultrasound.

As for my diet she said I need to stay within a 1500 calorie a day range and I told her I'll be food journaling/blogging starting today. I was advised against going with the vegetarian diet, hopefully that's just for now and I can resume this plan eventually. She said it could even cause me to GAIN weight instead of lose. She said I need to cut back on the starches and increase my protein significantly. I don't even know where to begin on that. I do not eat fish and nothing can make me do so. I do like tuna salad. I have that carbs from heaven and carbs from hell book to read but am currently reading a novel and a memoir at the same time so I want to finish those first. I don't want to give up potatoes and peas and pasta :(

Food Blogging

2009-05-25T22:43:00.004-04:00

I have started a food blog that I will begin using tomorrow and you can find it at this site (the words 'this site' are clickable)

change in plans

2009-05-25T14:09:00.002-04:00

So yesterday I tried but did not complete session one of c25k. I do not consider this a failure because I at least attempted this so therefore I will just call this a temporary setback or a minor change in plans. I have decided to go back to the Walk away the pounds 6 week challenge. The 6 week challenge has 1 day a week (Sunday) that you take off completely and 1 day a week that is unstructured so you can do what you wish. I think right now I'm going to complete the first 2 weeks in full, which would be six 1 mile walks, three 2 mile walks and a 3 mile walk, plus the days up until the 3rd weeks unstructured day, which would be another 1 mile walk and two 2 mile walks, and try the c25k again on the unstructured day. If I can't do it then I'll continue on and try it again. I will do it and I will be a runner. I'm not letting this set back throw a wrinkle in my long-term goals. I also need to get into the gym at least once a week for some strength training or come up with some sort of strength training at home.

I've entered a 28 day challenge to lose 10 pounds started by a youtuber I follow. The idea is to lose 10 pounds by the first day of summer. I am confident I can do it. I'm determined to do it. I go to the doctor tomorrow to see what she has to say about the thyroid being enlarged and get some fasting blood work done. Hopefully they'll have answers to why I haven't been able to lose weight despite all I've done. Although part of me really thinks WATP really isn't enough cardio to help me lose the weight I want to. I really miss the gym.

cookout, cats and c25k

2009-05-24T16:18:00.002-04:00

So yesterday we had a cookout with some friends and it was a nice time. I bought some potato chips for the cookout because what kind of cookout doesn't have crisps...only I didn't serve them as I made some delicious potatoes instead. I snuck handfuls of chips quite often...the thing I recently decided to give up for the summer. I was so embarrassed I'd get caught but I didn't. I am still embarrassed. That was my slip and I am done but it was a big one. I would guess I ate about half the bag...shame on me.

Yesterday I got my new kitten...SHE turned out to be a he which was not what I wanted but he is gorgeous so I am okay with him. However, my pretty Penelope does not like him and likes to take a swipe at him and/or hiss at him. I am hopeful they will begin to like one another soon.

Now the worst of it all, today I attempted to start c25k. I haven't really exercised since I got injured and I probably should have gotten back into all that before jumping into c25k but I didn't and I am paying for it. The first time out I'd say I can only run for about 20 of the 60 seconds. My ankle starts to feel wonky and my shins burn. I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor and will mention these things. I ran 3 times but for no more than 30 seconds any of those times. Today it is very hot and humid, 88 with 48% humidity (31 celsius) and that was also a problem as even now I am still sweating. Tomorrow I will start back to the WATP and hopefully within 2 weeks can give c25k another try.

ARGH

2009-05-20T15:35:00.002-04:00

Seriously I'm never happy to be overweight. I've been complacent about it and let it linger too long. Today, however, I'm entirely done with it. For the last few years I've been large and I've not done enough about it or I'd be thin by now. Right? Maybe not. Last year when we joined the gym I immediately lost 13 pounds in the first month...gained it back and gave up for a bit. I've been exercising a lot since March and haven't lost that amount even 3 months later. I asked about the possibility of PCOS at the doctor today because I have several of the symptoms but was told that since my cycle is NOT irregular that is not the case. I could have some other type of hormone irregularity instead, possibly even be diabetic. I am at risk for that due to my previous history but was told by another doc that is only a risk for 5 years and it's now 7 years on. My thyroid is enlarged and that's a concern.

Okay that's it. I'm done...I'm 30 years old and I have fibromyalgia and I'm fat. I don't want to be 31 with a thyroid issue and/or diabetes and fibromyalgia and fat. I'd rather just turn 31 quietly and at least 30 pounds lighter. Again I feel like I am floundering and have nowhere to go.

Also, I have NO sex drive and was again told, essentially, to suck it up and do it anyway.

Memorial Day and what it means to me

2009-05-19T08:34:00.003-04:00

So here is the wikipedia description of the upcoming holiday:
Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the last Monday of May (on May 25 in 2009). Formerly known as Decoration Day, it commemorates U.S. men and women who died while in the military service. First enacted to honor Union soldiers of the American Civil War (it is celebrated near the day of reunification after the civil war), it was expanded after World War I to include American casualties of any war or military action.

That is a wonderful holiday for a great reason but it just makes me think of my grandmother. Her birthday was May 27 and so Memorial day was usually the time we'd say happy birthday to her. Now she's gone and it makes me miss her. I lived with her for years and while slightly crazy and insanely manipulative she knew how to make someone feel loved (and then like running away). Many times over the years she drove me completely bonkers but if I needed anything I could count on her. I miss her a lot. Memorial Day to me will always remind me of how much I miss her.

another blog swap 'the fat geek'

2009-05-17T23:57:00.002-04:00

Today I'm doing another blog swap. This time it's with the Fat Geek Blog. I wish I could have a website like his. It's great with pics, blogs, calculators. Very well done. He's doing great and so I'm chosing to post his blog update from this weekend. You can follow him on twitter @thefatgeek and be sure to check out his website at www.thefatgeek.com (for whatever reason clicking links won't work on this blog so I think I need to reset it all). In any case he is doing fantastically and he's very motivating.

Here is his blog:

Week 4 has been a real success. I was super motivated the whole week. Thanks in no small way to all those folks who send encouraging e-mails and tweets via twitter, subscribe to the podcast and of course my family and friends. I am getting unbelievable support from all areas and it is truly what is making the difference. I Thank You all emphatically from the bottom of my heart.

I think the difference between success and failure with weight loss is 95% motivation. More on that another day, let’s get to the week that was and lessons learned.

I had a 2 lb weight loss for week 4. This is fantastic given the travel that took place during the beginning of the week and constraints the hotel gym put on me. However, we (or I did anyway) learned from week 2 that during travel it is your diet that requires the most attention. I was able to improvise the gym routine to ensure I got a good workout in, but I really paid strict attention to what and where I was eating. I think that made all the difference....and my proof is in the results this week compared to the results during week 2. If you remember, during week 2 I worked out like a madman, wasn’t too sure about what I ate and lost nothing. This week I worked out as best I could and concentrated more on my eating plan, which resulted in a weight-loss.

In science we would refer to my “Concentrate on Diet during Travel and less on Workouts Thesis” a hypothesis. To test my hypothesis we require experiments that test the casual relationships among the different variables. In this case it will not be fair. Given my not so good results in week 2 and my good results here in week 4. I will continue to follow my “Travel Hypothesis” (of concentrating big-time on diet) as I go forward. Thus, we won’t get to see if other factors may have caused the week 2 problem. We are all different but the results of this first experiment (last week, concentrating on diet) gives me enough proof to feel confident in my hypothesis that I will continue with that strategy during travel weeks. Which, by the way, happens again next week.

My workout routine for week four was pretty similar since the beginning. I have been doing strength training and running every day, with the following exceptions: Monday and Tuesday I had to improvise my strength training routine due to lack of equipment. This meant doing some old fashion push-ups and bench dips along with the machine exercises. I didn’t run on Wednesday morning because I arrived back home late Tuesday night. I did my strength training that was scheduled for Friday evening on Saturday morning because I was really tired Friday night. I feel way more confident with this routine right now, because I am confident that I can improvise as required and still gain great benefits from the exercise plan. That means a lot to me, given my work schedule and travel requirements.

My healthy eating plan was excellent for this week. I averaged around the 1700-1800 calories range each day of the week. I had about three Subway meals for either a lunch or dinner (trust the Subway 6 grams of fat meals). I ate out on Friday night, had some Salmon and rice (600 calories). During travel I tried to eat the same way I did when I was home. Bought a bag of apples and some bananas to throw in the hotel fridge, so I always had a healthy snack during the day. Basically, I ate the same as I would at home all during the day and then had a really healthy choice for supper. This worked. I will continue with this strategy for week 5. As I mentioned above I am on the road again. Once again I will be traveling to Calgary for part of the week (Tuesday to Thursday).

So, over the past 4 weeks I have lost a total of 14 lbs. However, if you break down the numbers you see that I lost 12 lbs during week 1 & 3, weeks I stayed home and had no travel. I lost 2 lbs during week 2 & 4, weeks I travelled. Big, big difference. Maybe week 2 skews the results, but it certainly tells me that I need to seriously consider what my expectations are during travel weeks. I need to be patient about my weight-loss when it comes to travel weeks. Finally, I need to trust my process here and that doggedly continuing to concentrate on exercising and eating healthy will have long-term pay-off.

Check back next week and see if the “Travel Hypothesis” holds up and see the new pics and podcast for week 5. Thanks again for the support and see you next week.

so ready

2009-05-16T16:17:00.003-04:00

Okay I can't keep doing this to myself. I am lazy and eating badly and I'd imagine I gained weight/inches. It's 4 pm and I've had 3 bowls of crunch berries and a salad. I'm just bored. I need to get off my ass and clean the house but I haven't yet. I finished a book I was reading and I'm chatting to my friend and harrassed J via text message which is insanely fun to do but doesn't assist in cleaning the house or losing weight. I think I suffer without someone to say 'hey get off your ass and do what needs done.' I'm just so tired of this cycle.

I skipped my weigh in/measuring on Monday and I said it was due to the failure of the last few weeks with my foot injury and my sinus infection and this and that but really I think I was giving up. I've ordered shoes and will be starting the C25k soon so I think that'll be a boost. Today I'm going to try the wii fit Gold's Gym cardio workout.

I just feel like an idiot for giving up but not even being willing to admit it to myself...I'm over it now and ready to get on with it

excited

2009-05-14T15:31:00.002-04:00

So I am going to order my new running shoes tomorrow and should have them next week so I can start my C25k. I am looking forward to it so much. I'll also be doing the Wii Fit Gold's Gym game that I checked out from the library to try it out. I wouldn't want to buy it if it's junk.

Anyway, things have been horrid here in terms of getting my exercise in. I have continued to eat well and still have not had pop in over a month which is the best thing to me. I drink water and occasional glasses of milk. I have had a few sips of pop in desperation but they were disgusting. I have also cut chips out again and this time I'm thinking of doing that more permanently. They are a horrid weakness for me and I just need to give them up.

Earlier this week I signed up for a team leader kit from the local Making Strides for Breast Cancer walk which will be October 11. Myself and a few others have made this plan together but I will do it alone if necessary. I plan to try to run the whole thing but would be happy to run at least half.

I really need to update my vlog but haven't had time and for a couple days didn't have much of a voice. I'll try to do that in the next few days.

Blog Swap

2009-05-08T09:46:00.004-04:00

I've never done this before but here we go.

I have recently befriended a couple of ladies who blog/twitter together via twitter. They are on the weight loss journey with me and they asked if anyone would be interested in blog swapping. I, of course, decided to offer my own blog up and went about picking what I'd want to share from them. I had a really hard time because they are both brilliant writers. Find out for yourself by follwing their twitter feed at @fabfatties. Please check out and follow their blog as well at http://weightlosswiththefabulousfatties.wordpress.com I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

I AM DOING THIS FOR ME

"When you begin living your life fully from the deepest place within you and loving who you are, all things will change for the better.” – Gena Livings just posted this on Twitter. She seriously has the best posts, if you are not following her you should, they always motivate and inspire me.

I love this! I believe that I need to learn to love myself enough to make healthy choices for me. In other words I shouldn’t have the mind set that I need to exercise or eat healthy so I can by thin and feel good about myself, but I need to feel good enough about myself to exercise and eat right.

I am setting some goals for the week to help me achieve this mind set:

I am going to go to bed early enough to get a full 8 hours of sleep. (This one is going to be the toughest!)
I am going to get out of bed by 6:30 so I can exercise in the morning.
I am going to take the time to prepare lunch/snacks to take to work.
I am going to take time to appreciate the beauty of the outdoors.
I am going to breath deep full breaths and accept life as it is each day, enjoying each moment.
Wow, I already feel more peace. Lately my life has been crazy busy stress and each moment is jam packed with 50+ things to do. Life is not about running the fastest or accomplishing the most each day. It is about enjoying each moment, appreciating every oppurtunity presented to you and making the most of it. This is what I am working on this week. I know I have had a caotic energy lately and that is going to shift into an energy of serenity and peace. Big things are happening in my life right now and I am so excited… I just need to remember to breath and take time to take care of myself.

It feels so good to put it out there that I am taking care of myself because I derserve it… so much better than I want to lose weight because I am soo fat!

Okay… I gotta get to bed because I have 5 minutes to make my goal! (Breahting and not stressing about my goal… or at least trying!)

walking

2009-05-07T10:18:00.002-04:00

So any time I walk more than about 1/2 mile my ankle begins to hurt. I have therefore decided to postpone restarting the walk challenge until Monday which will push my dates back for starting/finishing the couch to 5k by 1 week. That is okay though. I am not going to be hard on myself. I will be ordering my first pair of running shoes this weekend and chose these: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00186SVLK/ref=twister_dp_update?ie=UTF8&childASIN=B00186WMNI

I am very much looking forward to beginning this. I feel like when I start this I will truly be taking charge of my life for the first time ever.

I've left sparkpeople because I felt overwhelmed by all the things I had bookmarked. I was going to sparkpeople, thecarrot, neversaydiet, fitday (that's just a few)...I've cut all those down to fitday just for tracking purposes. There is an upcoming 4 week challenge on neversaydiet but they will email those and I may not do it. I think I have a good plan and really think if I continue to overload myself with information and advice from multiple sources it will only serve to deter me and I'll lose sight of the goal and quit AGAIN. I can't afford to do that to myself.

get off that big thing and MOVE

2009-05-05T10:55:00.002-04:00

It's been a bit since I've blogged. Two weeks ago tomorrow I hurt myself...I either stubbed my foot on the chair or hurt it doing WATP, either way I'm not sure. I ended up being placed in an air cast and unable to comfortably move around I just sat. I am now out of the air cast but still a little bit tender. I am going to get back to it today. I have to start somewhere and even if it hurts I can always stop when it's uncomfortable. My shoes finally fit again so that's a good sign.

I gained back a couple pounds and a few inches which may be water weight but we'll see. I'm not stressing too much about it. I really expected it. I tried to do some type of arm and ab workouts but my heart wasn't in it. If I wasn't going to break a sweat it just didn't feel worth it to me. I wouldn't say I was depressed about it but I wasn't giving my all to it. I'm just ready for the journey to be over. I know I can't skip over the journey but it's hard not to get completely frustrated by all the work I've put in with very little result. Yes I have lost a ton of inches but where.

So here is my plan. Today I start back to my 6 week walk away the pounds challenge. The challenge calls for 64 miles walked in 6 weeks. I am upping that to challenge myself to 70-75 miles and at least a weight loss of 10 pounds in that time. I will probably throw in a couple of water aerobic classes. Six weeks from yesterday, which would be June 15, I WILL start my Couch to 5K training. That would have me running during the hottest period of the summer and I think that would end like August 17th. I can always run in the evenings when the weather is a bit cooler anyway. I'm not going to give up because it will be hot.

My initial weight goal is 200 pounds, at which time I will buy a real webcam so I can play in Stickam with the YT crowd if they can handle my awesomeness. According to where I am now, 227.1, I should hit that around August 8th which is also the date I have to go to a wedding so I can hopefully wear a really cute summer dress to go. I should also hit my final goal around Valentine's day. I promise I will not promptly pig out on chocolate and gain 5 pounds. I'm not a chocolate fan anyway. It's Easter and Marshmallow Peeps that are my candy weakness.

updated updated raisin

2009-04-27T00:16:00.000-04:00

updated raisin

2009-04-21T23:34:00.001-04:00

I am counting my biosheet in there even though it will not go into the finished product but I'm still proud of it and I need to write daily and I didn't write on the story except a few edits.

latest

2009-04-21T09:23:00.003-04:00

Okay so I haven't had a chance to vlog lately. First I couldn't find the camera and then it needed to charge and then it charged but I've been busy and a bit embarrassed. I'd been doing good with working out and eating better, no massive weight loss but a ton of inches. My progress up to now is that I haven't had any pop in 24 days or so, 16.5 inches lost since the end of January, 8 pounds lost in that same time. I had lost more but with my horrible eating habits this week after a double birthday party and Easter I gained right back to where I was...good news though is that I maintained that weight for a week instead of gaining more. Last week I didn't exercise as much as I have been. I think I only exercised 3 times instead of 6 times. I feel awful and know I messed up. Yesterday I planned to work out and didn't. Instead I used the excuse to myself that the power could go out from the storm. I'm going to start back tonight though, no excuses. If I have to I will work out at midnight but I'm doing it. Shame on me. Without actively hanging out with my workout buddy I have no one but me to be accountable to and that just isn't working out for me.

On the plus side, thanks to a couple of people, specifically Dave, I've gathered more info on Glasgow for the book. I didn't write yesterday but I did quite a bit of research that I need to wade through to see how to apply it first

woo hoo

2009-04-20T01:45:00.003-04:00

Writing progress!!!

I've spent a lot of today reworking a story I've been working on. I even got twitter permission from the author of Jemima J to use the first and last lines in my story. I did a bit of research, sent a list of questions to someone from Glasgow and wrote a bit so I'm going to post my little raisin guy...

How I see myself

2009-04-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to write this over the weekend but had no chance. Here goes:

When I was 17 and 135 pounds I thought I was perfectly built. I felt fantastic about myself, might have liked to have a bigger chest but I never lacked for attention. I felt gorgeous and happy with my physical appearance. I maintained my weight and never exercised or watched what I ate.

10 years later at 27 and I was 160 pounds with a much larger chest (natural) and feel like dirt. I've got a jelly belly and I feel enormous. I still get attention but I no longer feel good about me. I think everyone is lying to me when they say I look great but maybe if I walked a bit the flab would firm and I'd feel better.

Today...Oh god today. I'm 30 years old right now. I'm approximately 225 pounds and looking back on the old me I realize that in high school I was far too skinny. I had no idea what I really looked like even then. I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty girl but I didn't see that I really looked sickly. My wrists were so thin that a child's watch was nearly too big and my hip bones stuck out. I may have been cute but I was not the picture of health I believed myself to be. At 160 I was not ideal either, mostly because I didn't properly take care of my body. I smoked, drank a ton of pop, NEVER exercised. I truly think that if I had chosen to exercise at that point in my life like I do now I would have been able to attain the ideal body for me which may have been at the same weight but much more tone. Today I realize I don't see myself like I really am. I know a girl who is approximately the same size as I am but I see her as much smaller than me. If I had to venture a guess I would say that I probably see myself as about 50-75 pounds heavier than I really am. Why is that? I don't want to get to my ideal weight and still see myself as fat/obese/overweight. I want to view myself correctly but don't even know how.

Today I don't smoke, drink no pop and limit my tea. I'm walking and exercising almost every day. I have big plans for myself and I am feeling good about me but I just can't help but see more than is really there. I can't even begin to understand why I can't see me and not an overgrown version of me.

another challenge exercise

2009-04-07T11:55:00.001-04:00

Today's is the following:
Sticking to a new workout program isn't always easy. You need ways to make it fun to stay motivated. Try making a list of the things that will motivate you to stay on track. To get you started, here are the biggest motivators that have helped my clients: making fun music playlists, having a workout buddy or going to group classes, keeping a training log and making goals, joining a club or team, training for a race and raising money for charity.

Things that motivate me:
1. My biggest motivation is the idea of completing a 5K to raise money for breast cancer.
2. I do not want to increase my already increased risk of diabetes.
3. I want to live a long healthy life.
4. I don't want to fall apart slowly because I didn't properly care for myself like I should have.
5. I enjoy the pain after a workout and it motivates me to push harder.
6. I love to listen to great music while I workout.

challenge

2009-04-05T10:54:00.002-04:00

I am doing a challenge today for my neversaydiet 30 day challenge called 'Lose it for good'. I must answer the following questions and felt it suited the blog.

Take one step closer to loving your body for what it is by letting go of old dress sizes and focusing on the figure you have now.

Write down all the sizes you've ever been and what your body image was like during that time. What else was going on in your life? Can you let it go and move on?
Clear your closet all of the clothes that don't fit you and anything you haven't worn in six months. Donate the clothes to a woman's shelter.

I don't have ANY clothes in sizes above where I am now but will donate onces I've finished. I will, however, do my best to write down the sizes I've been.

Age 16 wore a Guess size 28. Had just moved back to Ohio from Indiana and was pretty miserable about it but I felt attractive at the time. Had a pretty great boyfriend who told me how beautiful I was all the time.

Age 20, wore a size 9. Was living along for the first time and had friends around constantly. I again felt attractive because there was always a guy trying to catch my eye.

Age 22, wore a size 7 or 9. I was moving out of my apartment and back home to find a better living situation. Actually was considering applying to school but never followed through on it because everything changed so quick. Felt attractive and certainly was told I was.

Age 27, size 13. At my highest weight before I quit smoking of 160 pounds. I did not feel attractive this time. I felt incredibly overweight but didn't do much to change it.

Age 30, size 4 (Fashion Bug plus sized jeans, approximately 22-24). At my highest weight of 236 that I hope to never see again. I do not feel even remotely attractive. My mom says it and E says it but I don't believe it. I believe I see myself as larger than I am but can't be certain.

update

2009-04-04T01:16:00.002-04:00

Day 6 with no pop has ended. I'm going to just continue the challenge another week. I had a cup of hot tea with sugar, no milk on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I like this better. I'm a bit more tired but that's good. I've also done my exercise every day but today sort of. I spent 1.5 hours walking the grocery store and I'm counting that as my exercise today. According to neversaydiet.com the 90 minutes I spent grocery shopping burned 542.96 calories and I burned 64.64 carrying them in from the car and putting them away. I find that to be sufficient for me. I have no clue how accurate that is but I'd say I got in the proper number of steps that I needed.

I really feel on the right track with this. I'm consuming water. I feel better. My pants are falling off. Things seem to be great with work. I'm happy.

Tomorrow I go back up to 2 miles and plan to actually do 2.5 miles. I am ahead 1.5 miles on the challenge. Anyway, I'm exhausted...no caffeine and all.

guess what?

2009-03-31T14:44:00.001-04:00

I don't want to blog today and you can't make me.

A smartass 11 year old just pointed out to me that posting this means I blogged...he's grounded and I'm going to lock him in the dungeon for a week. (please don't call child services...I promise to feed him)

challenging myself AGAIN

2009-03-30T18:15:00.002-04:00

Okay so this week I decided to challenge myself to cut all caffeine out entirely by drinking only water. I then modified that to include 1 cup of milk with dinner and then I thought hot tea is relaxing to me so I modified it to include 1 cup of hot tea per day. Yesterday I only had 1 cup of hot tea with 1 tsp of sugar and 1/2 cup of milk along with about 1/2 gallon of water with lemon juice to prevent retention. Today I made it until 4 when I needed the tea to prevent falling over. I'm so caffeine addicted that it woke up me almost instantly. Still drinking water but added a flavor packet to it which was only 5 calories with no sodium or sugar.

After this I'll be doing 1 mile, some wall pushups and some ab exercises for my activity today.

I'm still really tired and will try to blog better tomorrow. I will be working on a vlog tonight so check my youtube channel later.

modifying plan

2009-03-29T13:35:00.003-04:00

So I got this Walk away the pounds book at the library and decided to mostly follow the plan inside for exercise. I will just be doing the walks she says to on each day and then doing whatever else I want to do. There are 42 days in all and I will be starting tomorrow. I would finish this on May 10th and would then start C25K on May 11th which is 10 days late but I would have a good reason to delay the start.

Not much to really say today. I have to work again and I'm exhausted.

Questionnaire

2009-03-28T11:12:00.002-04:00

I read a blog by a fellow twitter person where she answered a questionnaire given by a woman named Jean Fain before she agrees to take on clients. I think she is a hypnotherapist and not a trainer. I thought they were great questions and thought I would try to answer them for myself and thought my blog was a great way to share the answers.

1. Where do you get your energy from? What are you passionate about?

Unfortunately I don't tend to have much energy. I can get energized by things such as a great workout or something good to eat. I am noticing an increase in energy with exercise.

I am passionate about so many things. One of the things I am most passionate about are gay rights. I am horrified by how people can treat other people and would love to see a more unified world in my lifetime regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, handicap, religion. It's sad how hateful people are.

2. Think back to the last time you were comfortable in your own skin. What was different about that time (attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, mood, energy, passion)?

The last time I was comfortable in my own skin was about 8 years ago. I was 22 and single and confident because I knew I had a reason to feel good about myself. I wasn't actively exercising but I was very busy and active, going hiking in the woods, waiting tables and going dancing. I had a lot of friends who were always around and I had incredible amounts of energy.

3. What is your ideal weight (even if it seems unlikely)? Your desired weight (the weight you think you could probably achieve)? Your tolerable weight (the highest weight you could live with, even if you might be disappointed)?

My ideal weight is 145 to 150, which I think is the best weight for my frame. I think I will achieve this. I could tolerate weighing 160 as at 160 I didn't look bad I was just soft so if I could accomplish a toned 160 I would be completely satisfied. I have put a lot of thought into this and know what I want in terms of my goal weights.

4. How did you come up with your desired weight? Why do you want to weigh this specific weight?

In high school I weighed 135 pounds. I thought I looked fantastic and maybe I did back then but looking back on pictures of myself I was incredibly skinny and have no desire to be that thin again. That was a girl's body and I now have a woman's body, complete with hips and breasts. I chose my desired weight because it's a midway point between where I was first unhappy with my body and where I was satisfied and I think if I were tone and fit I could look a lot better than I did when I thought I was hot shit.

5.
●How achievable is your desired weight?
Anything is achievable if you work hard enough. I definitely plan to work hard enough.

●When were you last at your desired weight?
I was last there a bit less than 3 years ago.

●How hard do you think it would be to stay at this weight?
I do not think so. I think once I reach that stage my dietary changes

●Would your tolerable weight offer the same benefits?
Yes it would. I am already at increased risk for diabetes and being an overweight woman puts me at risk for all kinds of lovely health issues and I want to live a long and healthy life so getting myself. I would be bordering right at the overweight range but I'd be a hell of a lot healthier than I am now.

6. How would your life differ if you reached your desired weight? What could you do that you can’t do now?
My life would differ because I think I would snore less, sleep better and I would be more mobile and flexible. Getting in shape would help to decrease my body aches and pain from fibromyalgia and so I am hopeful getting my body into great shape would help put my fibro into remission.

7. What things that you don’t do now because of your weight might you be able to start doing sooner than later?
I would dress in better clothing, not Eric's reject tshirts that are baggy on me but hide the fact that I look pregnant with my big gut. I would also jog and not feel self-conscious. I would also go swimming in public without hiding.

8. What obstacles are in the way of eating healthfully, losing weight?
The biggest obstacle in my way has been me for the last 3 years. I self-sabotage by snacking late and eating too many chips. It doesn't help that I'm not a great cook but am a fantastic baker. I'm working much harder now. I've been forcing myself to exercise and tonight will be trying 30 day shred for the first time.

9. Of these obstacles, which need attention immediately? Which are a lower priority and can be attended to over time? What are some ways around the highest priority obstacle?
All of these should become high priority. Tomorrow I am challenging myself to drink nothing but water all day for a week except for 1 cup of milk with dinner. I am debating 1 cup of tea with breakfast but think I shouldn't do that either. I just need to start making me a much higher priority.

10. What are opportunities to take better care of yourself and energize/impassion yourself that you are currently not making the most or anything of? Which could you begin to take advantage of today? This week? This month? List three such opportunities/activities you will take advantage of in the next 90 days.
I have a gym membership that rarely gets used. I also have a treadmill and a few other pieces of exercise equipment in my basement. This week I will use my gym membership 2 times at least. I will utilize the workout videos at the library and use my wii fit at least 4 days a week to do the yoga. Starting May 1st I will be utilizing the Couch to 5k program with Eric and possibly Amanda and Blake.

diet

2009-03-27T22:11:00.003-04:00

I thought it would be good to blog about why I am not going to do a real diet. I would like to lose weight by modifying my current dietary habits. I am not a poor eater just a bit of an overeater. I like good food and so do the people I live with. I do want to try healthier but I cannot follow a diet like Atkins or South Beach. I have a big household and so I cannot put them on a diet with me nor can I afford to go on a diet and feed them too. Therefore adding in healthy recipes to the meal plan and picking up healthier snacks and being mindful of portion size is what will be best for us as a family.

I now have to edit my vlog which you can find at http://www.youtube.com/user/nessapaige

Eat This, Not That

2009-03-26T12:06:00.002-04:00

So I am not a calorie counter. I just try to make sure that I make better choices for myself and eat a bit less than I would have. Yesterday I picked up the Eat This, Not That book at the library. This version contains mostly restaurant options but there is a supermarket version I have requested at the library and think I might end up buying if it's as nice as this one.

Today for lunch Eric calls and says he is having taco bell would I like some. I thumb open the book and see that I can get the Fresco Steak Taco x2 and it's less than 400 calories. It is unfortunately high in sodium but I don't salt anything I cook so I tend to stay really low on that daily anyway so the occasional high sodium day shouldn't be too bad. I have yet to eat them but I hope they are good. Food's here.

2009-03-25T13:59:00.003-04:00

Wow. I don't know that I've been this tired during the daytime before. Today is the third day I've been this tired. I've been taking vitamins and they do not appear to be helping at all. I think I must be slowly coming down with something because today I also have a headache.

I got off here last night to read a little before I went to sleep and instead I watched some stuff on DVR including last nights Biggest Loser. If Tara had not won immunity last night I have no doubt she would have gone home. I really am hopeful that Mike wins it all. I knew without a doubt that Aubrey would do what she did when she went home and gain some.

Yesterday a woman posted on freecycle what she described as: I have a thing.. not sure what it is.. it's not really a bike. You sit on it and pull a one piece handle bar towards you. You can change the resistance from easy to harder. it doesn't seem like it would be hard but you get going on this thing and it will cause you to be out of breath after a few repetitions. I asked her if it could possibly be a rowing machine and told her I'd take it. I can't get the van started again but am trying to find someone who could possibly go pick it up for me. I'm excited to get it because I really like the rowing machine. I hate using it at the gym because it's on the top level and there is usually someone on it and so I don't get to use them very often. I can't wait to get it. I will likely use it tonight if I get it home today.

ETA: Okay now I see why she compared it to a bike. It's actually a Weslo Cardioglide. Not quite a rower but should still do what I want.

oh my

2009-03-24T21:13:00.003-04:00

I am so incredibly tired today which shocks me. I've been taking my vitamin again and don't feel I should feel so tired if I've been a good girl. I've been doing my wall pushups and my shoulders hurt but I'm not stopping them. I'll just cut back until I feel a bit better.

This morning I did my wii body test and I've come down 2 pounds but that's still where I was before I kicked it in gear. I won't really count loss until I'm below 220 at least. I'm hoping that's soon.

Yesterday on twitter I asked for some book recommendations from some of the youtube girls I follow. One of them recommended several books and I requested them from the library. I got most of them and then some. My list that I picked up today is in the sidebar in my bookshelf widget. Not all of the books are weight related. I'm currently working on the Half-Assed memoir book. I'll let you know what i think

goals

2009-03-23T12:21:00.002-04:00

I have been setting monthly goals in an effort to try to guide myself to a healthy weight loss. My March goals will not be met and therefore I decided to get an early start on April's. I am posting them now:

Weight goal:
215 pounds by April 30 (Yesterday when I weighed in I was up 5 pounds from where I had been which is almost back to my highest weight but I've also lost nearly 9 inches so I guess the weight is muscle)

Nutrition:
Improve my fruit/veggie/protein intake
Cut back on carbonated beverages
Increase water intake from current 0 ounces to 64 ounce minimum per day

Fitness goals:
Exercise 5 days per week
Sources of exercise to include:
Walk away the pounds
Wii Fit w/body test daily
Gym 2 days per week
Outdoor walking/jogging
Daily wall pushups leading to floor pushups

Fitness goal to reach by April 30:
10 real pushups
3 mile WATP by the end of April to prepare for May goal

Purchase goal:
New runners
Sports bra

To come in May:
Start of Couch to 5k training.

yawn

2009-03-22T14:29:00.003-04:00

Woke up did wall pushups and now I've walked through town 2.2 miles. I jogged a bit here and there but to be honest I am not particularly equipped to jog without a heavy duty sports bra. I am adding that to my list but hate the idea of buying something that I'll shrink out of. Okay need to lay down for a bit

falling pants and holding the wall up

2009-03-21T14:38:00.003-04:00

So last night I noticed that the jelly doughnut I call my stomach is much smaller. My love handles are smaller and when I touch them I can feel that. I am so fascinated by my new shape. It's fantastic. I still have a very long way to go but I'll get there one day. Just wanted to share that.

I've done my wall pushups twice today and will do them as much as I can during the party today.

Guests are here. Gone.

My kryptonite

2009-03-20T20:01:00.003-04:00

I took the dietgirl book back to the library today and feel really sad to have given it back. I have her blog to follow but the book caused me to have my own sort of 'oh shit' moment. I did pick up two other books today that I think may be similar, one is 'Fat Girls and Lawn Chairs' by Cheryl Peck and the other is 'The Fat Girl's Guide to Life' by Wendy Shanker. I'll let you know what I think of them later.

So I thought I would make a list of the things I know cause my trouble in my weight loss endeavors. These are items that I overeat or that even though they are good for me I use in excess making them bad for me. I do not want to give up ALL of these items but feel that if I put it out there maybe I'll finally get it.

Item #1 is chips/crisps. I can't get enough of these greasy little fried bits of potato. I don't even like baked chips so switching there isn't an option. I have a particular weakness of Ruffles Cheddar Sour Cream or the cheesy Lay's. Today I stopped at BP to get J a drink and ended up with a bag of Ruffles which I promptly chowed down on before I got to the library. Shame on me. My spell without chips taught me nothing.

Item #2 is bacon. I honestly feel I would have been a vegetarian long ago if it were not for bacon. I like bacon mixed with eggs, bacon mixed with salad, bacon sandwiches, BLT, BLT with avocado, just plain bacon. I will admit I have to have it crispy and do bake it most of the time so that helps keep it at least a bit healthier. I will bake it on my broiler pan so the grease falls down. This is not even a weekly indulgence but I could eat a whole pack alone if given opportunity.

Item #3 is tea. I could drink tea all day long. I usually keep a gallon of iced tea in the fridge as well as a couple cuppas a day. Complete with sugar and milk this is not good for me. I loves me some PG Tips.

I am sure there are many more things on this list but this is a pretty rough start.

I need to measure in on my new charts and I think I'll do that Sunday or Monday. I'd like to find a way to include links to them here but I don't know if that is possible. If I have any readers and any of them are tech savvy can you let me know if there is a way to link excel spreadsheets to blogger?

new direction and goals

2009-03-20T11:28:00.003-04:00

I read a book yesterday called 'the amazing adventures of dietgirl' by a woman named Shauna Reid. I've never been as large as her but I identified with almost every word. I needed that kick in the pants. I'm tired of being this skinny girl trapped in a fat suit. I still have some sexy knickers shoved in the back of the drawer to remind me how I used to be. I haven't pulled them out in ages and today I pulled out a pair of my current and those and laid the old ones on top of the new ones and OMG I'm fat. I knew it but seeing that sort of visual bugged me.

Shauna Reid has her dietgirl blog still up and posted resources, one of which is a weight tracking spreadsheet and I downloaded that to track my progress. M created one for me yesterday that will track my inches lost as well in 10 week intervals. I am hopeful I keep this up like I need to. I have decided to give myself the weekend to relax and do whatever and starting Monday I'm back into it full swing. I may still exercise over the weekend but I'm not going to worry so much about the calorie intake. Tomorrow is a party here at my house and I'm going to eat cake. I'm also going to start to blog more often about my progress and various ups and downs. I promise to even post the bad.

normalcy

2009-03-16T10:06:00.002-04:00

My computer issues are resolved thanks to some major help from several people. Not sure why I was so terrifed of a reformat. Computer is running great, saved my stuff. It is a slight hassle to reinstall everything but oh well.

Measure/weigh in today but I am thinking after my horrid leg pains last week I won't have any progress. Post later

horrible Thursday

2009-03-13T10:53:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I woke up to find that my virus scan said NO errors and my Malware scan read 8!!!!!!!!! I fixed them and rebooted...when I rebooted I got a blue screen. The only way I am currently able to use my PC is with Ubuntu which I loaded up to try to move my important things to my secondary harddrive. I am so stressed.

grr

2009-03-11T19:39:00.001-04:00

Have to go quick because the lady is due to call any minute to increase my cable modem speed and give me a free month of Skinemax....ahem Cinemax. Pervert!

Anyway, I don't know what I did to my legs but they are so incredibly sore I can barely sit, stand, walk or even lay. It's horrid pain ALL the time. Taking a break from exercise is nice physically but mentally I am at war with myself and sad. Why is it I finally figure out what I need to do and then overdo it? Not to mention any progress will be undone because I can't do a thing....grrrr just sad.

seriously disappointed

2009-03-03T20:26:00.002-05:00

So I started this weight loss journey for real about 6 weeks ago. I really started over a year ago but lost all measurements in that time. I do have a measurement set from September, January 25 and today. If there is no number in the first column I did not measure it in September but here's where it stacks up:

Weight 236/227/227.3
BMI 37/35.6/35.67
waist 50/46/45
at belly button /43/43.5
hips 51/49/48
chest 45/44/43
below bust /37.5/36
thigh 31/30.5/29
calf 16/15/16
bicep 13/14/13
neck 15/15/15

Last January I was about where I am now and in the course of less than a month lost 15 pounds just from exercise. I got sick and gained it back.

Why is it 6 weeks of less snacking, no chips, exercise most days leads me NOWHERE. I failed and I feel like dirt. Why bother ya know?

March

2009-03-01T10:59:00.002-05:00

OH MY! I did it. I didn't have any chips at all in February and they weren't that great when I did have them. I won't lie I liked them but I think I can go longer without them.

I didn't meet most of my goals in February weight wise. I appear to have lost NO weight but I can tell I'm at least becoming more fit because my clothes fit differently and I feel better.

I need to do WATP every day instead of just the wii fit since it's a lot of waiting with the wii fit.

I had a lot to say and now I forget most of it.

February 26, 2009

2009-02-26T11:36:00.002-05:00

I've almost completed my month of NO chips. I am beyond thrilled with myself that I did it. I get hungry when I see a bag in the store but I've started to realize it's not just me who has gone the entire month without them. Every member of my household has also gone without them. I like to think that it's to support me, at least the older ones who can shop. It makes me feel better about it all.

Yesterday I sat down and reorganized a lot of my writing things because I haven't felt very organized. I ordered a travel guide that I've been putting off requesting from Scotland. I am excited waiting for it but realize that it could take a couple weeks. Luckily I am not to the point where they are necessary to the story. I need to print out some pictures that I want to put in my inspiration journal. These are pictures of places that have truly inspired me in this book writing process and that I'd love to be able to look at to inspire specific spots in the story.

I spent about an hour working on my index cards idea as well. Instead of having a printout of the character bio I decided to put them on index cards that way I can just grab them and keep them in front of me instead of having to search for them. I have that box I blogged about and it's organized by the 3 stories I've been working on so I know where everything is.

As for my weight loss, according to my wii fit I've not lost much but I dont' mind. I can feel differences in my body and that's what I care about most right now.

new medicine

2009-02-22T10:29:00.002-05:00

As someone who has only occasionally worked out for my entire life finding something I like has made me actually work out 6 days in a row now. Last night my calves were a bit tight and my back sore. I took 1/2 of a pill of my new medicine because it said it could make me groggy. My calf pain disappeared entirely and my back pain was a little better. I still feel a tad bit foggy today but maybe because I stayed up until I was exhausted and woke up before I wanted to. According to the wii fit this morning my water weight is going away now so my weigh in tomorrow should hopefully reflect a weight loss but if it doesn't I won't beat myself up. Today I'll do 30 minutes of wii fit and WATP.

day 5 with my fit

2009-02-21T13:27:00.003-05:00

So I've had my wii fit since Tuesday and done it every day. I'm waiting for the kids to get bored with it for the day so that I can do the 30 minute free walk. Yesterday I did the 6 minute hula hoop challenge while listening to Tom Jones and I have to say his music seems ideal for that. I don't think I can do that one again today because my left calf is pretty sore.

Today I went to pick up the new medicine that I'm being trialed on in an effort to control my fibromyalgia. I hope this one works because I cannot handle much more of this. There are weeks when it just exists as a dull ache in my back but then there are times, like now, when it hurts so badly that I just want to give up, climb in bed and stay there until it stops. It usually throws me off when I'm in the midst of attempting to lose weight. The exercise will wear me down and cause a flare of immense proportions and I'll be incapacitated. I would like to try the new med now but it can cause drowsiness and I'm the only one home with the midgets at the moment.

I think the horrible thing about this week is while I feel like I accomplished a lot this week I feel like M and I were off track which is my fault because I didn't feel well one day and it just wasn't happening like I wanted it to this week. I feel so bad because she had a rough week and I'm supposed to be her workout buddy and friend and I've been utterly absorbed in my own world.

Okay the challenge has gone out and I must go prove that I am capable of rhythm boxing on my wii fit. Wish me luck...against a 6 year old who is a sore winner.

ETA: I won and he's cool with it. He likes a challenge and being in 1st would have made him happy but having a goal to try to beat me makes him REALLY happy.

I did 1 mile WATP Express today and I thought it would be easy because I do the 1 mile with M but this is a different 1 mile and it kicked my ass. I'm such a wuss

it's cold

2009-02-19T08:36:00.003-05:00

Yesterday it was a breezy 55ish and today I wake up to have to scrape snow off the car. Yuck.

Yesterday I took Penelope to the vet for the first time since we got her 2 months ago. She was given shots and proclaimed to be a healthy cat. We discussed fixing her around the beginning of June and then we discussed declawing. He said he doesn't recommend doing it at all. I told him I had no intention of mutilating my cat just to benefit my furniture. The practice is barbaric and should be outlawed anyway.

Declawing is not like a manicure. It is serious surgery. Your cat's claw is not a toenail. It is actually closely adhered to the bone. So closely adhered that to remove the claw, the last bone of your the cat's claw has to be removed. Declawing is actually an amputation of the last joint of your cat's "toes". When you envision that, it becomes clear why declawing is not a humane act. It is a painful surgery, with a painful recovery period. And remember that during the time of recuperation from the surgery your cat would still have to use its feet to walk, jump, and scratch in its litter box regardless of the pain it is experiencing. Wheelchairs and bedpans are not an option for a cat. (copied and pasted from declawing.com)

I was hoping to go to water aerobics today but the snow is falling at a steadier pace and just makes it seem colder. I think I'll do the wii fit and curl up with a movie. I've had this movie for about 2 weeks now and at first couldn't watch because my DVD player was broken. I have no replaced it but haven't had time. I will watch it at some point today.

blah

2009-02-15T21:20:00.002-05:00

Today has been a very rough day mentally. The boys are very hyper and whiny which is a horrid combo. Fights and falls and crying and even more crying and more whining.

I am more than halfway to my chip goal of not having any in all of February. I find myself wanting them less and think I will only allow myself to have them at most once a week, preferably once every couple of weeks.

milestone

2009-02-12T23:17:00.002-05:00

M and I completed our first full week of exercise. I think it's working well. We both admitted there were days we only did the exercise because of the other person. I know I need to exercise and take better care of myself but that doesn't mean I want to do it. I do feel better though. Monday I'll weigh in at her house and go from there.

I have started realizing what meals I would really use chips for and realize that what I was consuming in terms of chips was horrible. I could eat an entire bag myself and not because I was hungry but just because I like them and they were there. IF I add them back into my diet I will only have them for picnic type food or a sandwich. The unfortunate part of my challenge to myself is that because I can't have chips I do not want to go to Subway since I always eat chips with a sub.

behold

2009-02-10T16:35:00.002-05:00

Usually the power of a nap is rejuvenating and refreshing (other than the weird breath) and you feel great. Not so much today. I could go back to sleep still. Very disconcerting to me.

very excited

2009-02-08T03:07:00.003-05:00

Okay so today Eric brought home this box that I guess is supposed to be used for bills but I already have a way of organizing the bills that has worked for me quite well for the last few years and I don't see a need to change it just because I got a fancy little box.

So while rewatching the series 4 doctor who finale I took a lot of my stuff on the 3 stories I've been working on and put it into this box. I have my map of central Cardiff in a slot, 1 with pencils, notecards on 1 story in 1, another story in yet another slot, information on publishing, writing a query, information on Wales, specific gardens, Scotland. I'm really thrilled with it. Also as an added bonus I started writing again. Not the short story, although I did find something I'd written about a year ago that made no sense to what I'd written at that point but which totally fits the short story. I am so absolutely thrilled. My mojo seems to be flowing. I'm also working out a plan to save the money on my own to get a mini laptop to write with.

working towards

2009-02-04T00:11:00.002-05:00

So today I went to M's house and we started our new routine. We did 1 mile of WATP which was fun because I had someone else to help me mock it. Yes I know I need it but the conversations held during it are ridiculous. We just had fun. I enjoy M's company even if her cat thinks I should pet her while I am doing calf stretches. It was great having someone to workout with who I didn't feel weird exercising in front of. Going to the gym always feels awkward because everyone there is thin (or so I perceive) and I'm not.

While watching Biggest Loser tonight they kept referring to having a partner to workout with and someone who wanted what you wanted and wanted it for you just as badly as for themselves. It makes me even happier that M found me. It is so great to have someone just a couple of blocks away who I can hang out with and workout with and who knows what I'm going through.

tired of it

2009-02-01T23:29:00.003-05:00

Never there...tired of that.
When you want to talk it's never to me...tired of that.
When I ask about it there is no answer...tired of that.
You never ask me...tired of that.
Emotionally abandoned...tired of that.
Lack of connection...tired of that.
Being asked for more than is offered...tired of that.

February 1

2009-02-01T12:40:00.004-05:00

Okay so no chips...wtf was I thinking. I am completely addicted...need them. This month will be long. I will give myself a new scale if I get through the month.

February goals

2009-01-28T21:34:00.003-05:00

So my new friend M and I sat down at our computers tonight and had a chat about what we want for ourselves by March 1st. We came up with this list:

Weight:
M:
7.5 pounds by the 3rd week of February - 260
V
8 pounds for entire month - 219

Nutrition:
M
6 servings of fruit and veg a day
using the nutrition tracker to improve *balance* in my diet
under 2000 calories per day
V
More protein and fruit
Cut out fried foods
No chips
More water

Fitness:
M
WATP 4 days a week -Monday-Thursday 10 am
Gym 2 days per week
V
WATP 4 days a week -Monday-Thursday 10 am
Gym 2 days per week

Weigh in on Monday's
Take before pictures

We want to be able to do the 2 mile WATP by the end of the month and we're going to have a trial run on Saturday I believe. I'm looking forward to getting started.

I have personally set a goal that if I do not eat any chips at all in the month of February I will treat myself to some sort of gift. I am debating between a retro purse or a special tea blend from the tea shop M introduced me to.

Riley's neck

2009-01-25T19:45:00.001-05:00

Posting a picture only

weekend

2009-01-24T09:50:00.004-05:00

Today I am planning to do a lot of nothing. My legs are extremely sore from yesterday. I will probably spend a bit of time working on my short story. I am really excited by it still and I'm looking forward to sharing it. I did some more agent research the other night and I think I found a better agent for what I write than I had previously found. The agency I had previously wanted to query first represents an author whose book was later turned into 2 movies and a Broadway musical that even spawned a television reality show search for the new star. We'll see. I am probably ahead of myself here but it could get interesting.

Anyway, yesterday Molly and I went for a walk from Newport to downtown Cincinnati. We walked over to a tea shop and she had tea but I just had a water. The walk there made me realize how overly out of shape I am and I was too hot and winded for tea. I even missed out on a pot of my favorite tea, PG Tips. Next time I think I'll see if she wants to take a shorter walk or something so that I can enjoy it as well. Based on a mapping program we walked 3.372 miles and there were stairs and inclines involved. My body above the knee is fine, below is staging a revolt and doesn't like me very much right now. I have no plans other than to relax today, work on my story and probably watch a movie.

Wednesday night I noticed that Riley had 2 swollen knots on the side of his neck. No fever and no symptoms so I sent him to school Thursday and called requesting that the nurse take a look and give me her opinion. She noticed another swollen lymph node on his clavicle and said his ears and throat were fine but said I should get him in to see the doctor. I called and he was seen within an hour. I thought that was wonderful. The doctor on the other hand was a pompous ass. He told me I was overreacting. He also told me he didn't know what's going on. Those two statements seem to contradict one another. How can I be overreacting if you have no damn clue what is wrong with my kid? He didn't even do a full exam. I found another swollen node after we left that he'd never noticed and he never bothered to even check below the neck for other swollen nodules. He ran a negative strep test and also did blood work and 2 days later I still have no results of it. He requested we come back Monday and get the results of the blood work. I called yesterday and told them I was very unhappy with him and his incomplete exam and his comments to me and they switched us to another doctor. I've never liked this particular doctor. He told me I couldn't possibly have fibro and that fibro is what they call it when it can't be something else. I just greatly dislike him and he further emphasized why to me on Thursday.

2009-01-21T16:21:00.003-05:00

So today I did some research for my short story which I think needs to partially take place in Glasgow. I do not know why she needs to go there but she does. I realized that some Scottish cuisine makes my stomach turn just by name. Something called Cullen Skink...somehow I don't think that would make them deliver Edward to my table.

I did go with the story that takes the first and last lines of my favorite novel. I chose 1 that is up there on my list but not for sure my favorite. It's Jemima J by Jane Green.

I am bitterly cold and have been for several days and no matter what I do I cannot get warm. I'm wearing 2 shirts, 1 of which is thermal, fuzzy socks and sweatpants...still bitterly cold. I am debating turning the space heaters off for the day and letting the heat fully run. Okay I put shoes on and it's a little better.

I am probably going to walk the treadmill when I go down to start laundry. I'll do at least 10 minutes but the treadmill makes my calves burn something awful. I just need to figure it out. Why is it that I agonize over myself and my weight ALL day long but do NOTHING about it?

today

2009-01-19T11:45:00.002-05:00

Today I am going to attempt to work on a short story. I have this Writer's Digest Writing Kit and it has some examples to start from and if I can't make that work I think I'll just try using a picture as inspiration. I have yet to decide if I want to post it here or not.

Some of the writing kit options include:
1. While working at your computer one day, an e-mail from an unknown sender pops up in your inbox. Against your better judgment, you open it. The contents bring into question everything you've ever believed about your existence. Determine the nature of the subject line that compelled you to open the e-mail in the first place, then tell the story of what resulted from having done so.
2. Write a new story using the first sentence and the last sentence of your favorite novel or short story as your starting and ending lines.
3. Create a character (or use an existing character) who falls in love with a specific city or locale, but does not currently live there. To move there, he must risk losing something important (career, family, security, etc.). What is the character willing to risk and why?

I personally think the last one will be easiest for me because of how strongly I feel about the UK and Cardiff despite never having been there. I think that's why I can't do that one right now because I need to inspire myself and Cardiff already inspires me in so many ways. I really think I'd like to try the second one using the book Jemima J. The first line is 'God, I wish I were thin.' The last is not really workable unless I change names but it is 'But fairy tales can come true, and just like Jemima Jones, or Mrs. Ben Williams as she's known outside of the glossy magazine where she now works, if we trust in ourselves, embrace our faults and brazen it out with courage, strength, bravery and truth, fate may just smile upon us too.' I can make it work somehow but might have to cut some things out.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to plotting this out a bit.

cold

2009-01-18T13:15:00.002-05:00

It has been so incredibly cold here that despite the 'warm up' I'm still cold. My toes are so icy that my fuzzy socks don't help. I think I might have a wee bit of cabin fever as well. I think I'm slightly addicted to Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii...shame on me.

I have bought some index cards which I may have previously mentioned. Tonight I'm going to sit down while watching tv and put some info from what I'm writing on them. Like character information on 1 with relationship information on another.

I don't really have much interesting to say today. It's laundry day today and I've decided to stay in my PJs all day although I'll change into new ones later. I'm a bum.

inspiration

2009-01-14T16:42:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been devouring these books by a local author named Lori Foster. I decided to email her and tell her how much I have enjoyed her books and mentioned that I had been lost in my writing:

I am an aspiring writer who just hasn't had the motivation lately to do so. Would you have any advice for me?

[Lori said:] That’s a toughie. I’m almost always motivated to write, so that’s a mindset I haven’t dealt with much. I’d say that most likely you’ve taken your story into a direction that doesn’t excite you. And if it doesn’t excite you, it won’t excite readers. (Or an editor.) Maybe rethink your story and figure out a way to make yourself anxious to get to it.

I don’t know if that’s any help or not. LOL

Today I came to post on my blog and reread the Sylvia Plath quote at the top for the first time in several weeks. It says:

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.

There is my answer to it all. Self-doubt is my problem with my weight and my writing and my life. I doubt myself. I doubt I can lose the weight...doubt I can be a successful writer...doubt I can be a successful, happy, satisfied woman. Now what do I do about it.

2009 weight loss goal

2009-01-13T22:28:00.002-05:00

So earlier I was thinking that it's almost 2 weeks into the year and I haven't really done anything to reach my weight loss goal of 50 pounds for the year and then I thought well it's only 1 pound a week and that's not unrealistic to meet 50 still. When going to the gym I was losing up to 5 pounds a week so I still can meet the goal I have set for myself without overdoing it. I am eating a bit better. Today I was at the grocery and in the checkout I saw a candy bar and wanted it but instead I popped a 5 calorie stick of gum in my mouth and bought a new pack of it and went on my way without the candy. We have ice cream and I didn't touch it either. When I wanted a snack I grabbed a few crackers and slices of cheese. I think I'm doing better despite the lack of exercise. Elijah is on my case about doing Walk away the pounds though and Riley said I look skinnier so maybe.

starting over

2009-01-11T14:13:00.003-05:00

I've been reading a lot and I read once that if you want to be a good writer the most important thing is to read a lot. I've been devouring books like they're going out of style. I read 2 books the other day. I didn't read much in the way of books yesterday but I read a lot on the web. Today I have only read blogs thusfar but the day is still young and I will probably read this book I have from the library. I have to go to the library tomorrow to return a few things.

Later this week we're supposed to have 2 days where the temps are in the teens. I hate winter. I need to make sure I have books and movies for those days so I can just curl up and stay warm. I am so thankful that I don't have to leave the house some days.

lazy Saturday

2009-01-10T12:19:00.003-05:00

So I don't really have a lot to say today. I have no plans beyond doing a little laundry and watching some movies.

I think I've given up on writing my book. It makes me sad but the inspiration is no longer there. I have no ideas for it. I have these book related conversations with myself which are usually character dialogues that I talk out but they go nowhere. Maybe I'm not meant to write a novel. Maybe I need to find a new dream.

happiness

2009-01-07T19:28:00.003-05:00

A very simple way to bring me happiness is to just allow me a few hours to listen to Craig David and nothing but Craig David. I don't even really like that style of music unless it is Craig David. So tonight I got the bright idea to put Craig David in on the Pandora Radio page and it keeps playing Craig mixed with some Usher and Chris Brown and I don't like either of those singers. Now it said Ne-Yo and I do like him. I'm loving this page. I have a Rilo Kiley channel and The Cliks and Ray LaMontagne. I'm so thrilled with this. It's my new toy.

This morning I woke up full of big plans for today and within an hour had accomplished a ton. I unloaded/reloaded and ran the dishwasher, made the bed, changed the litter box, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the fridge and gathered up all the laundry. I then took a bath and went out on some errands. When I came home I rearranged the dining room. The Christmas items finally got put away and I was happy for that but then I did NOTHING else I planned. I have like 4 loads of laundry, maybe 5 and did NONE of it.

bored

2009-01-06T22:46:00.002-05:00

So I bet you're wondering what I've been up to in the few days since I've posted. I could fill you in on all the boring details but then you'd never want to read my blog again. Instead I'll just give you the highlights.

I am currently listening to The Cliks via something called Pandora Radio. According to wikipedia Pandora Radio is "Pandora is an automated music recommendation and Internet radio service created by the Music Genome Project. Users enter a song or artist that they enjoy, and the service responds by playing selections that are musically similar. Users provide feedback on approval or disapproval — which Pandora takes into account for future selections." It's really neat although I have discovered a few artists I like are not on there such as Glasvegas. I am wondering if there is a submission process to give them info on artists that they don't cover.

I picked up several Lori Foster books at the library and a book called Inkheart that they've now turned into a movie that's coming out soon.

I've decided that I want to try making my own butter. My friend Amber told me that she's been making her own and told me what to do and I've decided that I'd like to give it a try and then experiment with seasoning it various ways.

Penelope is attacking my library bag behind me for some reason. I've given her the nickname of psychokitty.

Okay now there's my update.

Doctor Who

2009-01-03T18:28:00.000-05:00

I am hopeful that Matt Smith can do justice to the role. I really wish it had gone to Paterson Joseph or even Harry Lloyd. I think Harry would have made a fantastic choice in the part and he needs a job since he won't be on Robin Hood in series 3.

January 2nd

2009-01-02T17:34:00.002-05:00

So today I went to the gym and worked out. I feel so much better but am sure I'll be sore later. I couldn't do the amount of weight I was doing 2 months ago but I'm sure I'll get back there.

Before we left for the gym today I got a freecycle email offering free hand weights which I needed anyway for my WATP video. The woman had 3, 5 and 8 pound sets and also gave me a stand for them and an exercise band and some Ab Slide thing that I'll have to figure out. I'm glad to have those.

I am leaning more toward being a vegetarian than ever. Mostly because I keep getting assaulted by visuals. Anthony Bourdain is horrible. I was at the gym on the treadmill and had to stop before I'd walked 1/2 mile because they were eating armadillo and it still had legs and a tail and everything. I nearly got sick.

I am going to go put some laundry away and relax. Tomorrow I'm going to attempt bellydancing with this video I got from the library.

2009

2009-01-01T00:02:00.000-05:00

Here's to a new year and a fresh start.

This year I am not making resolutions but rather some promises to myself.

1) I will make a TRUE effort to finish my novel.
2) I will lose 50 pounds at least.
3) I will make more of an effort to be greener, less waste and try to start recycling.
4) I will take better care of me.
5) I will take the kids to Kings Island this summer.
6) I will try new things, such as bellydance and water aerobics.

I am really excited for this year. I am hopeful this is finally our year. Time will tell.

day 31 - New Years Eve

2008-12-31T15:52:00.002-05:00

Today is the last day of 2008 and hopefully the last day I eat like crap. I went to the gym and went swimming last night. I am hopeful that I'll be able to go in on Friday and exercise and start back full-time on Monday and want to start with taking Aqua aerobics at least 1 time a week and then WATP on days I don't go plus other videos from the library. Today I got Bellydance Boogie at the library.

Tonight it's just me and the boys. We're going to play Wii and board games and eat junk food and have fun.

day 30

2008-12-30T20:10:00.002-05:00

2 days left of my blogging daily challenge and I almost forgot to do it. Horrible of me.

update

2008-12-29T21:34:00.001-05:00

Cat is back...never really gone.

day 29

2008-12-29T18:13:00.001-05:00

cat is gone

day 28

2008-12-28T19:52:00.002-05:00

Today I'm not doing so well. I'm angry and annoyed and tired. I took down the Christmas tree and just want to go to sleep. I think I'm going to go lay in bed and watch a movie until I fall asleep

day 27

2008-12-27T11:16:00.001-05:00

Blogging will be light for the weekend. We have guests staying with us for the duration. We've been playing Wii a lot and I can see how the Tennis game would help a person lose weight. I took the fitness age on the Wii Sports game and I am 78.

Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality. - Ralph Marston

Ooops

new location

new starts and goals

Short story

Today

Major update

very belated update

heh

September 3

September 2

September 1

wow

time flies...

busy

busy

July 2009

neglect

taking care of me

pressure

Mojo

the scoop

auditioning and losing

dreary day

back on track

burn out

Fibromyalgia

Goals

weigh in

go me!

work and lab

Doctor update

Food Blogging

change in plans

cookout, cats and c25k

ARGH

Memorial Day and what it means to me

another blog swap 'the fat geek'

so ready

excited

Blog Swap

walking

get off that big thing and MOVE

updated updated raisin

updated raisin

latest

woo hoo

How I see myself

another challenge exercise

challenge

update

guess what?

challenging myself AGAIN

modifying plan

Questionnaire

diet

Eat This, Not That

oh my

goals

*yawn*

falling pants and holding the wall up

My kryptonite

new direction and goals

normalcy

horrible Thursday

grr

seriously disappointed

March

February 26, 2009

new medicine

day 5 with my fit

it's cold

blah

milestone

behold

very excited

working towards

tired of it

February 1

February goals

yawn