woo hoo

Writing progress!!!

I've spent a lot of today reworking a story I've been working on. I even got twitter permission from the author of Jemima J to use the first and last lines in my story. I did a bit of research, sent a list of questions to someone from Glasgow and wrote a bit so I'm going to post my little raisin guy...

How I see myself

I was supposed to write this over the weekend but had no chance. Here goes:

When I was 17 and 135 pounds I thought I was perfectly built. I felt fantastic about myself, might have liked to have a bigger chest but I never lacked for attention. I felt gorgeous and happy with my physical appearance. I maintained my weight and never exercised or watched what I ate.

10 years later at 27 and I was 160 pounds with a much larger chest (natural) and feel like dirt. I've got a jelly belly and I feel enormous. I still get attention but I no longer feel good about me. I think everyone is lying to me when they say I look great but maybe if I walked a bit the flab would firm and I'd feel better.

Today...Oh god today. I'm 30 years old right now. I'm approximately 225 pounds and looking back on the old me I realize that in high school I was far too skinny. I had no idea what I really looked like even then. I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty girl but I didn't see that I really looked sickly. My wrists were so thin that a child's watch was nearly too big and my hip bones stuck out. I may have been cute but I was not the picture of health I believed myself to be. At 160 I was not ideal either, mostly because I didn't properly take care of my body. I smoked, drank a ton of pop, NEVER exercised. I truly think that if I had chosen to exercise at that point in my life like I do now I would have been able to attain the ideal body for me which may have been at the same weight but much more tone. Today I realize I don't see myself like I really am. I know a girl who is approximately the same size as I am but I see her as much smaller than me. If I had to venture a guess I would say that I probably see myself as about 50-75 pounds heavier than I really am. Why is that? I don't want to get to my ideal weight and still see myself as fat/obese/overweight. I want to view myself correctly but don't even know how.

Today I don't smoke, drink no pop and limit my tea. I'm walking and exercising almost every day. I have big plans for myself and I am feeling good about me but I just can't help but see more than is really there. I can't even begin to understand why I can't see me and not an overgrown version of me.

another challenge exercise

Today's is the following:
Sticking to a new workout program isn't always easy. You need ways to make it fun to stay motivated. Try making a list of the things that will motivate you to stay on track. To get you started, here are the biggest motivators that have helped my clients: making fun music playlists, having a workout buddy or going to group classes, keeping a training log and making goals, joining a club or team, training for a race and raising money for charity.

Things that motivate me:
1. My biggest motivation is the idea of completing a 5K to raise money for breast cancer.
2. I do not want to increase my already increased risk of diabetes.
3. I want to live a long healthy life.
4. I don't want to fall apart slowly because I didn't properly care for myself like I should have.
5. I enjoy the pain after a workout and it motivates me to push harder.
6. I love to listen to great music while I workout.

challenge

I am doing a challenge today for my neversaydiet 30 day challenge called 'Lose it for good'. I must answer the following questions and felt it suited the blog.

Take one step closer to loving your body for what it is by letting go of old dress sizes and focusing on the figure you have now.

Write down all the sizes you've ever been and what your body image was like during that time. What else was going on in your life? Can you let it go and move on?
Clear your closet all of the clothes that don't fit you and anything you haven't worn in six months. Donate the clothes to a woman's shelter.

I don't have ANY clothes in sizes above where I am now but will donate onces I've finished. I will, however, do my best to write down the sizes I've been.

Age 16 wore a Guess size 28. Had just moved back to Ohio from Indiana and was pretty miserable about it but I felt attractive at the time. Had a pretty great boyfriend who told me how beautiful I was all the time.

Age 20, wore a size 9. Was living along for the first time and had friends around constantly. I again felt attractive because there was always a guy trying to catch my eye.

Age 22, wore a size 7 or 9. I was moving out of my apartment and back home to find a better living situation. Actually was considering applying to school but never followed through on it because everything changed so quick. Felt attractive and certainly was told I was.

Age 27, size 13. At my highest weight before I quit smoking of 160 pounds. I did not feel attractive this time. I felt incredibly overweight but didn't do much to change it.

Age 30, size 4 (Fashion Bug plus sized jeans, approximately 22-24). At my highest weight of 236 that I hope to never see again. I do not feel even remotely attractive. My mom says it and E says it but I don't believe it. I believe I see myself as larger than I am but can't be certain.

update

Day 6 with no pop has ended. I'm going to just continue the challenge another week. I had a cup of hot tea with sugar, no milk on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I like this better. I'm a bit more tired but that's good. I've also done my exercise every day but today sort of. I spent 1.5 hours walking the grocery store and I'm counting that as my exercise today. According to neversaydiet.com the 90 minutes I spent grocery shopping burned 542.96 calories and I burned 64.64 carrying them in from the car and putting them away. I find that to be sufficient for me. I have no clue how accurate that is but I'd say I got in the proper number of steps that I needed.

I really feel on the right track with this. I'm consuming water. I feel better. My pants are falling off. Things seem to be great with work. I'm happy.

Tomorrow I go back up to 2 miles and plan to actually do 2.5 miles. I am ahead 1.5 miles on the challenge. Anyway, I'm exhausted...no caffeine and all.