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14 April 2009

How I see myself

I was supposed to write this over the weekend but had no chance. Here goes:

When I was 17 and 135 pounds I thought I was perfectly built. I felt fantastic about myself, might have liked to have a bigger chest but I never lacked for attention. I felt gorgeous and happy with my physical appearance. I maintained my weight and never exercised or watched what I ate.

10 years later at 27 and I was 160 pounds with a much larger chest (natural) and feel like dirt. I've got a jelly belly and I feel enormous. I still get attention but I no longer feel good about me. I think everyone is lying to me when they say I look great but maybe if I walked a bit the flab would firm and I'd feel better.

Today...Oh god today. I'm 30 years old right now. I'm approximately 225 pounds and looking back on the old me I realize that in high school I was far too skinny. I had no idea what I really looked like even then. I looked in the mirror and saw a pretty girl but I didn't see that I really looked sickly. My wrists were so thin that a child's watch was nearly too big and my hip bones stuck out. I may have been cute but I was not the picture of health I believed myself to be. At 160 I was not ideal either, mostly because I didn't properly take care of my body. I smoked, drank a ton of pop, NEVER exercised. I truly think that if I had chosen to exercise at that point in my life like I do now I would have been able to attain the ideal body for me which may have been at the same weight but much more tone. Today I realize I don't see myself like I really am. I know a girl who is approximately the same size as I am but I see her as much smaller than me. If I had to venture a guess I would say that I probably see myself as about 50-75 pounds heavier than I really am. Why is that? I don't want to get to my ideal weight and still see myself as fat/obese/overweight. I want to view myself correctly but don't even know how.

Today I don't smoke, drink no pop and limit my tea. I'm walking and exercising almost every day. I have big plans for myself and I am feeling good about me but I just can't help but see more than is really there. I can't even begin to understand why I can't see me and not an overgrown version of me.