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29 October 2008

working and WORKING

Today I worked at the deli during my normal hours and then went back in for a couple of hours while my boss, Delbert, ran some errands. During my downtime I wrote out some ideas for various storylines throughout the book and I guess I spent at least 1 hour on that today. I probably looked a bit crazed while walking around sweeping and talking to myself, running to my notebook, running back to the broom, talking some more, back to the notebook. I had this tough bit of dialogue I was working out during an 'argument' in the book. I have noticed that I feel a bit more free to create right now.

26 October 2008

update with some major changes

So on Wednesday I got fired. Long story but suffice to say there was some major miscommunication on both ends. Jonathan's football coach just opened a deli/carryout and I ran into him Thursday at the grocery and asked if he needs help and I started working there part-time on Friday. I'll be working there on days Eric's off for a few hours a day. I WILL go back to transcription but decided that right now I need to NOT look for a transcription job until probably January after the holidays. If I got a transcription job now I'd be required to work holiday's and I don't want that. This is the first job I've had out of the house in 7 years. It's kind of exciting.

I've been working on my book and after I finish this blog I'll be making the necessary changes to what I already have on the computer from the printouts I have. I think it's going well and I set a goal to have 25,000 words down by Christmas. I'm very excited.

I just spent about an hour editing and changing what I've written in the past and adding to it. I've added about 400 words to it. I have a couple of storyline ideas but they would take place much later in the book and so I am leaving them out for now.

19 October 2008

what's shakin?

Yesterday we went to a birthday party for a 1 year old. On the way down there I had a collapsable binder and used it to hold several items to work on my book. I had some printed pages that I wanted to edit and a few other things so I worked on that for about 30 minutes in the car and then later wrote down several other notes. I guess I worked on the book for about an hour yesterday and still need to go into the document and make the actual changes.

Yesterday they had a veggie platter and chicken wings and then later cake and ice cream. I don't eat meat with bones in it so I just had a lot of veggies with ranch dip and then cake and ice cream later. It was a fairly nice time but all the adults there were smokers except me and I wasn't going to go sit outside in the cold with them while they smoked.

Today I need to be working and then cleaning and tonight I will probably do some work on the book. I also need to find something to do with the papers I had in the collapsable folder than I don't want in there anymore but don't want to get rid of because I may need them eventually. So I should probably get to it instead of blogging and listening to mp3s and generally screwing around.

18 October 2008

weekend goings on

So yesterday was a fairly lazy day. I went to lunch with Elijah and we went to a different branch of the library than we normally go to and went to pick up a pumpkin to carve for Halloween. We came home and didn't do much. I had picked up some movies at the library and the boys watched 1 and we played XBox together for about an hour. I kick ass at Donkey Kong Country. I didn't do a lot of the cleaning that I needed to but I did put all the clean laundry away, ran the dishwasher twice and picked up the living room. I won't get to really clean today but I'll do a 'swish and swipe' kind of clean because we're going to Cynthiana for Chevy's birthday party. He's been 1 since September 14th but the party is today...don't ask.

I spent about an hour last night writing. I worked on my inspiration journal and wrote out a lot of information about my female character. I'm excited. I am taking my inspiration journal in the car with me and printing up my timeline so I can write in a notebook in the car while we go. The party is an hour away and I've got my mp3 player with some of the music that I find inspirational. Today's song is River of Sorrow by Antony & the Johnsons. It's not particularly upbeat but it's a beautiful song. I love his voice. The song about his sister is slightly creepy but I still love his voice. I first heard his music while watching Torchwood and it was so perfect to the mood of the show that I cried and since Torchwood and Doctor Who are a big part of why I started writing the music they use, Torchwood more so, inspire me quite a bit.

I think since Eric is on these steroids and wants to start taking better care of himself and hitting the gym we'll both start back together next week in order to do this together. I think I'll try to blog every day and I'm not sure when I'll vlog again because I feel disappointed in myself but I'll get back to it.

Anyway, I better print out this timeline to take with me and get ready to go soon. I don't know what time we're leaving but I know the party is at 5 and we want to get there early so I think we'll probably leave around 2.

17 October 2008

copied from spark

I posted this on my sparkpeople blog and wanted to share it:

I am a logical person I believe. I believe that I can sit and think and come up with good ideas. Why can't I come up with an answer for this...what am I trading food in for?

At 11 on the urging of some super genius fellow 11 year old I tried a cigarette for the first time, later I learned to inhale and be cool. All the cool kids smoke so I should too. Don't you know anything? Anyway 16 years later at 27 I gave that up on the urging of a kind doctor I call Dr. Doom. Every time we would speak he'd tell me all about how I coulda died, shoulda died, woulda died, nearly died. Anyway, I traded in my cigarettes for food and I haven't stopped in 2 1/2 years. Since then I've gained about 80 pounds and I'm lost. I don't know what to do from here. I can't keep my motivation and I feel worse which makes me want to go to the store and buy 15 candy bars and eat them all. Yesterday I blew my calories on a bag of M&M's.

Tonight my husband told me that when going through what we just went through he was worried about leaving me in a position where I was taken care of so I could take care of the kids. All I could think was that I'm not good at taking care of me. I fall by the wayside while everyone else gets their needs met. Hell part of the reason I need to lose weight is because I refuse to buy new clothes when the money could serve some other purpose much better. I sit here and say time for ME and I'm going to start taking care of ME tomorrow. I won't and can't. I don't even know how and there's not a single person in my life on a daily basis who could even begin to see what I need most is guidance and someone making me accountable. I know what I need but I don't know how to get it.

16 October 2008

update on insanity

Things have been a mess here. Starting in May Eric started having some issues and we were not sure why or how severe. He kept going to the doctor and they'd find stuff like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, hypothyroid, protein in his urine. They referred him to a kidney specialist and it seems the problems are gone except the protein. Last Thursday he saw the specialist and he said that he was concerned about kidney disease. Eric is 27. He ordered labs and a biopsy. Eric's kidney function is normal but he has the tip lesion variant of FSGS (Focal segmental glomerulosclerosis). The tip lesion variant is the mild form which can be treated with medicine and put into a remission. I didn't much feel like doing anything but worrying for the past several days and my own needs fell to the wayside. He has to take pills for the next 3-4 months but the doctor is "cautiously optimistic" that it can be controlled and stopped. We'll know more on 11/10.

I've personally slacked on the diet/exercise/book front. The diet isn't all that bad. In 2 weeks I've gained back 2 pounds which is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I've still been watching my food, just not recording it. I haven't exercised in 2 weeks but starting tomorrow I'm back to the gym and doing something at home to fill the gaps. I can't live this way anymore. I'm 30 and don't want to worry my health will kill me.

My book situation is different. The story is coming back and I feel motivated again. I feel like this book is the key to my future and that if I don't write it I'm dooming myself to a crap existence. I can't do that. I need to get it out there.

09 October 2008

8s because I'm bored

You know the drill... just lemme know if you're playing along, and I'll go check out your blog. Danka! :)

My Elite 8:

8 Favorite TV shows...
1. Supernatural
2. Doctor Who
3. Torchwood
4. Robin Hood (BBC version)
5. Chuck
6. Buffy
7. Roswell
8. Graham Norton

8 Favorite Restaurants...
1. Olive Garden
2. Subway
3. Highlands coffee shop
4. Chinese place that I forget the name of
5. Riverside
6. Applebee's
7. Gold Star
8. Empress

8 things that happened yesterday...
1. I worked
2. I cried
3. I shopped
4. I reconnected with an old friend
5. I cried more
6. I started to feel sick.... again
7. I took 2 kids for a haircut
8. I watched Supernatural

8 things to look forward to...
1. Everyone in this family NOT BEING SICK anymore!
2. going to sleep
3. Halloween
4. kid's birthday party Saturday for Riley's friend.
5. reaching goal #1
6. Report cards
7. Fall break being over
8. finishing my book

8 things I love about Fall...
1. the crisp air
2. leaves changing
3. hoodies
4. halloween
5. my blanket
6. family time.
7. hot tea
8. TWILIGHT the movie

8 things on my wish list...
1. Losing 81 more pounds.
2. my kids to be happy
3. I wish the doctor would say he was mistaken about Eric's kidney's
4. a good Christmas
5. a web cam
6. winning the lottery
7. getting back on track with my diet
8. No one in my house gets sick again for the rest of the winter!

04 October 2008

promised post

Okay first of all let me get the anger bit off my chest. I should NOT have given my husband the PPV ordering code in our bedroom this morning. He ordered some stupid Jerry Springer naked thing that he confessed cost $10. I am changing the code the instant he leaves the room.

Anyway, I promised I would blog about what really started me on this weight loss journey. I didn't want to vlog on it because it would take far too long to share it and my camera limits me to about 3 1/2 minutes. We joined a gym in January and I haven't gone like I should but what can I do about hindsight. I am considering going after I type this even though I really shouldn't today just because I have a ton to do and I need to work but I missed yesterday and feel angry with myself.

I joined sparkpeople years ago and never really did it. I'd leave foods off because I didn't want proof I'd blown it. I never joined teams or was active in the community. I deleted it. A friend of mine rejoined and I decided I would too. Bored one day browsing around I came across a motivator's page. The woman's page had little in common with me. She's older, married longer and more happily, religious more so than me. It just struck a cord and I sat and cried for 30 minutes and I realized she weighed about what I did when she started and she's lost 60 pounds and I sent her an email and told her how her story had made the difference for me. I have been active in spark since then. That led to me finding the vloggers and I think it's the vlogging that will help me more than spark. I feel like dirt if I miss posting my food or huddling or whatever on spark and I just don't like that. I'm only accountable to me not a team of people. Don't get me wrong I love the teams but they aren't the ones I have to answer to if I start gaining this weight back. With the motivation of the girl, the team (DONE being a fat girl) and the vloggers this is my journey. I don't feel I'm doing too bad so far.

Last night Eric talked me into going out to a bar with him. I don't drink so I sat sipping my coke. I actually had a decent time despite being surrounded by smokers and drunks. I quit smoking almost 2 1/2 years ago and that much smoke was suffocating me(changed the code on the cable box). Anyway, I enjoyed talking to his friend Josh and there was this guy there who I kept catching looking at me but I think maybe I knew him from somewhere. Before I met Eric I used to go clubbing and I think he might be someone I knew from then. Eric said I should just take it that he thought I was pretty...I said yeah 'pretty fat.' I just can't see anyone looking at me and thinking that. I'm 228 pounds and it's all in my middle. Not hiding that stuff from ANYONE. I just don't feel it.

02 October 2008


Alright so a lot going on lately, at least in my head. In terms of writing I am once again at a standstill. I really need to go through everything I have and see what leaps out at me and inspires but I'm just not patient enough to do that today. I really do need to get back to it. The characters are still in my head but the story seems to change every day and it's nothing worth writing about to me right now.

So on to my weight loss. I've lost 8 pounds and multiple inches. That's great I know but I'm angry about it. I am right back where I started 6 months ago, heck 4 months ago. This time I'm really focused and motivated. Last night I felt like dirt and just didn't want to work out but I went to the gym and did it. Tonight I might do a little on the treadmill but I have some major housework that needs done and that burns some calories and I have some places to go this afternoon where I'll walk to get to them.

I had a conversation with a personal trainer at the gym last night that left me a little frustrated. She made it out that I couldn't possibly do any of it without a trainer. She said a trainer would help me figure out my goals and the right nutritional range to be in. So I told her I have a website that has done all that for me and that I'm following the guidelines and working out at least 5 days a week in some manner and that I'm losing weight. She seems to think the only way to do it properly is by PAYING her a ton of money to do it. I do want to hire a trainer at the gym for what they call the 'Lifestyle Modification program' but it won't be her. I want to hire 1 of the male trainers. I figure if I can be honest to a guy about what my failures have been I will be okay.

The program is: Lifestyle Change Training Program
Are you new to exercise, returning after a long hiatus, or do you just need a change to your current routine? Town & Country understands that each person's needs are different. It's time to make a change to improve your health that you can live with. T&C's Lifestyle Change Program consists of a health assessment, a customized workout program, educational programs including nutrition and injury prevention programs, motivation, and a health re-assessment to measure progress. The price for health club members is only $89 for 4 one hour sessions with a personal trainer, a $200 value!

There is a male trainer, Brian, there I've talked with and actually had experience learning from when I did the orientation class to the gym and I think I would prefer him to do it. I've decided that I'm going to tell people I want that for Christmas...hey just pitch in $5 to my lifestyle change. It's a better gift to me than clothes or Christmas candies ya know.

My goal for this month is to get to 220 by the end of the month. My primary goal with sparkpeople is to reach 219 by November 10th and reward myself with a webcam for my vlogs but I am already 228 and so I figure by the end of the month, 4 weeks, I can lose 8 pounds. I am also going to be starting a Biggest Loser Challenge on Sparkpeople next week and can't wait to do that.

Since I started taking care of myself better I notice that I am tired earlier, eating better and less, becoming regular for the first time in my life, not staying up all night. Last night at 11:45 I was so tired it took everything I had to stay awake for the last few minutes of Bones.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a great Thursday and weekend and I'm hoping to start blogging at least 2 times a week.