copied from spark

I posted this on my sparkpeople blog and wanted to share it:

I am a logical person I believe. I believe that I can sit and think and come up with good ideas. Why can't I come up with an answer for this...what am I trading food in for?

At 11 on the urging of some super genius fellow 11 year old I tried a cigarette for the first time, later I learned to inhale and be cool. All the cool kids smoke so I should too. Don't you know anything? Anyway 16 years later at 27 I gave that up on the urging of a kind doctor I call Dr. Doom. Every time we would speak he'd tell me all about how I coulda died, shoulda died, woulda died, nearly died. Anyway, I traded in my cigarettes for food and I haven't stopped in 2 1/2 years. Since then I've gained about 80 pounds and I'm lost. I don't know what to do from here. I can't keep my motivation and I feel worse which makes me want to go to the store and buy 15 candy bars and eat them all. Yesterday I blew my calories on a bag of M&M's.

Tonight my husband told me that when going through what we just went through he was worried about leaving me in a position where I was taken care of so I could take care of the kids. All I could think was that I'm not good at taking care of me. I fall by the wayside while everyone else gets their needs met. Hell part of the reason I need to lose weight is because I refuse to buy new clothes when the money could serve some other purpose much better. I sit here and say time for ME and I'm going to start taking care of ME tomorrow. I won't and can't. I don't even know how and there's not a single person in my life on a daily basis who could even begin to see what I need most is guidance and someone making me accountable. I know what I need but I don't know how to get it.