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04 October 2008

promised post

Okay first of all let me get the anger bit off my chest. I should NOT have given my husband the PPV ordering code in our bedroom this morning. He ordered some stupid Jerry Springer naked thing that he confessed cost $10. I am changing the code the instant he leaves the room.

Anyway, I promised I would blog about what really started me on this weight loss journey. I didn't want to vlog on it because it would take far too long to share it and my camera limits me to about 3 1/2 minutes. We joined a gym in January and I haven't gone like I should but what can I do about hindsight. I am considering going after I type this even though I really shouldn't today just because I have a ton to do and I need to work but I missed yesterday and feel angry with myself.

I joined sparkpeople years ago and never really did it. I'd leave foods off because I didn't want proof I'd blown it. I never joined teams or was active in the community. I deleted it. A friend of mine rejoined and I decided I would too. Bored one day browsing around I came across a motivator's page. The woman's page had little in common with me. She's older, married longer and more happily, religious more so than me. It just struck a cord and I sat and cried for 30 minutes and I realized she weighed about what I did when she started and she's lost 60 pounds and I sent her an email and told her how her story had made the difference for me. I have been active in spark since then. That led to me finding the vloggers and I think it's the vlogging that will help me more than spark. I feel like dirt if I miss posting my food or huddling or whatever on spark and I just don't like that. I'm only accountable to me not a team of people. Don't get me wrong I love the teams but they aren't the ones I have to answer to if I start gaining this weight back. With the motivation of the girl, the team (DONE being a fat girl) and the vloggers this is my journey. I don't feel I'm doing too bad so far.

Last night Eric talked me into going out to a bar with him. I don't drink so I sat sipping my coke. I actually had a decent time despite being surrounded by smokers and drunks. I quit smoking almost 2 1/2 years ago and that much smoke was suffocating me(changed the code on the cable box). Anyway, I enjoyed talking to his friend Josh and there was this guy there who I kept catching looking at me but I think maybe I knew him from somewhere. Before I met Eric I used to go clubbing and I think he might be someone I knew from then. Eric said I should just take it that he thought I was pretty...I said yeah 'pretty fat.' I just can't see anyone looking at me and thinking that. I'm 228 pounds and it's all in my middle. Not hiding that stuff from ANYONE. I just don't feel it.